Hmmm. I seem to be the only one reading my blog. Oh well. That's ok. Don't mind me. I'm just talking to myself here.....
T's teachers have made an emphatic note of her concentration problems and the subject of Ritalin has once again come up. It was recommended at the end of 2nd grade but I decided against giving it to her. Now I wonder if I should have and if her whole school experience would have been better had she taken it. But live and learn. The good thing is that now SHE is interested in trying it AND she's big now and old enough to be aware of how she feels/reacts to it and give me feedback.
The neurologist we had an appointment with about 2 weeks ago wanted her to do this TOVA test for ADD diagnosis. I'd never heard of it but - whatever. I called the kupah numerous times to find out where we are supposed to do this test and after many many calls I finally lit on someone who had heard of it and was told, "Yeah. You need an appointment with Dr. Elyev." Fine. Made the appointment for this morning at 9:30. We walked in to his office and he asked how he could help us. I said "We're here to do the TOVA test." He said, "I don't do that test. You have to come to me with the results AFTER having it done." AAARRRRRGGHH. He said you have to pay for it privately and it's done at various institutes. He asked what I would like to do now. I said, "I would like to stop wasting my time and my daughter's time and I want a prescription for Ritalin." He pulled out of his cabinet behind his chair a very unsexy, homemade-looking questionairre with maybe 20 questions on it total. The first half were questions about attention and concentration and the 2nd half were about hyperactivity which T is definitely not. T and I sat there and answered the questions together, with the doctor clarifying things here and there. When we finished I showed him the questionairre that T's teacher had filled out previously as well. It was so totally obvious what we're dealing with here. He said he would give us a prescription for Ritalin on the spot and asked what I had waited so long for! He also said that it would be a good idea before she starts taking it to do an ECG which we did there as well. Then we ran across the street to the pharmacy and got the Ritalin and then had to run to our family doctor for her to see the results of the ECG. She said everything is fine. So it's a green light for Ritalin! I'm nervous as to how she'll react to it - side effects and such - but hopeful too.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Jicama
I have had 3 dreams now that I remember as being particularly vivid. The third one was last night.
One thing I miss a LOT from the U.S. is a Mexican root vegetable call jicama. Isn't that a weird thing to miss?
This is what it looks like:
It is generally very large - approx. the size of 2-3 LARGE potatoes put together - and is very heavy/dense. They can easily weigh a pound or more. The inside is white, crisp, more fibrous than the inside of a raw potato, juicy and ever so mildly sweet and a bit starchy. I've read that they can be cooked but I only ever ate them raw "as is" or in salads. The peel is extremely tough and fibrous i.e. not edible. Eaten cold from the fridge as a snack is the ultimate in refreshing in the summer.
I have looked high and low for it here and asked around if anyone has seen it. Once I even went so far as to contact a seed bank in Florida and inquire as to whether they would send me jicama seeds to try growing them on my balcony in a dirt-filled plastic bucket (even though the plant itself becomes this massive, climbing thing so don't ask me how I would have managed with THAT on my balcony). They agreed and I started growing a jicama plant which looks like this:
See those huge pods on the plant? Apparently they're poisonous! I want to know who the brave bloke was who decided to taste the root of this thing.
My little jicama plant was joyously growing in its bucket and then we went away for a weekend or something - don't remember exactly - and I took it to a friend who promised to water it while we were away and of course she didn't so it was all dried up and brown when we came back. I was very sad about that. Always wondered if I would have managed to get anything edible from it.
So last night I had a dream about jicama. Don't remember much about the first part of the dream but I was coming back by bus from somewhere. I got off in Ramle (a city about 15 minutes down the road from where we live) and was walking to another location and my route took me by the shuk (outdoor market) and lo and behold I saw a veggie vendor selling jicama, among other things. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was nearly crying I was so happy. I went to talk to the man selling them and I told him how happy I was. They were huge! I bought just one. I just recall the happiness and relief. Then I woke up to my jicama-less life.........sigh.
On another note....
T had an early morning head CT appointment scheduled at Assuta Hospital in Rishon because she suffers quite frequently from migranes and the neurologist wants to rule out anything unpleasant. We were supposed to be there at 8 am which meant that last night I had to go pick her up at school so we could get an early start today. On the way back home from her school last night I was in a teeny tiny car accident. I was in my lane coming up to a light and a guy on my right want to cut across my lane and didn't wait till I was 100% past him and just nicked my back left corner, leaving a very small dent. The light wasn't even broken. The other driver did stop and we exchanged details. I've had a few calls to our insurance today about it but for the most part DH is dealing with it.
So this morning T and I got to the hospital, found parking a reasonable distance away and went into the reception area only to be told that the CT machine isn't working, it can't be done today, it can't be done anywhere else either and they only found out 15 minutes ago or OF COURSE they would have called and told me not to come. ARRRGGGGHHHH. I was so annoyed I wanted to shoot someone. So T missed some school and I missed some work for no reason. Lucky the appointment was first thing and not midday when we would have missed more.
I've ordered vegetarian sushi for lunch today. That's a first. I mean I've had sushi before just not while at work. I'm not too excited about the idea. I'm just sick of all the other options in the restaurants around here.
One thing I miss a LOT from the U.S. is a Mexican root vegetable call jicama. Isn't that a weird thing to miss?
This is what it looks like:
It is generally very large - approx. the size of 2-3 LARGE potatoes put together - and is very heavy/dense. They can easily weigh a pound or more. The inside is white, crisp, more fibrous than the inside of a raw potato, juicy and ever so mildly sweet and a bit starchy. I've read that they can be cooked but I only ever ate them raw "as is" or in salads. The peel is extremely tough and fibrous i.e. not edible. Eaten cold from the fridge as a snack is the ultimate in refreshing in the summer.
I have looked high and low for it here and asked around if anyone has seen it. Once I even went so far as to contact a seed bank in Florida and inquire as to whether they would send me jicama seeds to try growing them on my balcony in a dirt-filled plastic bucket (even though the plant itself becomes this massive, climbing thing so don't ask me how I would have managed with THAT on my balcony). They agreed and I started growing a jicama plant which looks like this:
See those huge pods on the plant? Apparently they're poisonous! I want to know who the brave bloke was who decided to taste the root of this thing.
My little jicama plant was joyously growing in its bucket and then we went away for a weekend or something - don't remember exactly - and I took it to a friend who promised to water it while we were away and of course she didn't so it was all dried up and brown when we came back. I was very sad about that. Always wondered if I would have managed to get anything edible from it.
So last night I had a dream about jicama. Don't remember much about the first part of the dream but I was coming back by bus from somewhere. I got off in Ramle (a city about 15 minutes down the road from where we live) and was walking to another location and my route took me by the shuk (outdoor market) and lo and behold I saw a veggie vendor selling jicama, among other things. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was nearly crying I was so happy. I went to talk to the man selling them and I told him how happy I was. They were huge! I bought just one. I just recall the happiness and relief. Then I woke up to my jicama-less life.........sigh.
On another note....
T had an early morning head CT appointment scheduled at Assuta Hospital in Rishon because she suffers quite frequently from migranes and the neurologist wants to rule out anything unpleasant. We were supposed to be there at 8 am which meant that last night I had to go pick her up at school so we could get an early start today. On the way back home from her school last night I was in a teeny tiny car accident. I was in my lane coming up to a light and a guy on my right want to cut across my lane and didn't wait till I was 100% past him and just nicked my back left corner, leaving a very small dent. The light wasn't even broken. The other driver did stop and we exchanged details. I've had a few calls to our insurance today about it but for the most part DH is dealing with it.
So this morning T and I got to the hospital, found parking a reasonable distance away and went into the reception area only to be told that the CT machine isn't working, it can't be done today, it can't be done anywhere else either and they only found out 15 minutes ago or OF COURSE they would have called and told me not to come. ARRRGGGGHHHH. I was so annoyed I wanted to shoot someone. So T missed some school and I missed some work for no reason. Lucky the appointment was first thing and not midday when we would have missed more.
I've ordered vegetarian sushi for lunch today. That's a first. I mean I've had sushi before just not while at work. I'm not too excited about the idea. I'm just sick of all the other options in the restaurants around here.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Answer?
Yesterday I ended with a question: What's the answer?
I think I may, perhaps, have hit upon - at least in part - the answer to my own question. At the very least, it provides food for thought.
A while back a friend loaned me a book called Wild Succulent Women by an author named SARK. I'd never heard of this author. But I loved the book and while in the US in October I picked up three more of SARK's books. I think every woman should read them. The one I'm currently reading is called The Bodacious Book of Succulence. This part of the book really leapt out at me this morning. It's from the chapter entitled Making More Alive Choices.
"When considering choices in your life, the "most alive choice" feels like a bit of a risk, makes you giggle, or makes the hairs at the back of your neck stand up. It can be a simple and tiny shift, such as taking a new route or as large as moving your whole life somewhere you haven't lived before.
We are constantly presented with choices. Often, our inner critics run the whole show, and we use a lot of language with these words:
Have to
Should
I'd better
Or else
These can be bullies of the language world.
Sometimes we need to wonder who is making our life choices! We might stumble from one obligation to another, lost in a series of have-tos. People buy wedding gifts they don't want to buy, attend birthday parties out of guilt or fear, spend time with people they don't even enjoy, or push their children into unwanted activities. And then we all get crabby!
I think that as adults we become rigified, encrusted with grudges, wounds, and protective devices that don't work anyway. We walk carefully along, checking our purses, pockets and car keys. Gone are our bamboo walking sticks and flags for countries that we've made up. I think those things are gone because we've stopped calling them.
We deserve to be the caretakers for our spirits and dreams, and this means truly sensing and listening for our most alive route. It may not be a common path, or a popular one, yet it will be clearly ours."
OK. At this point I'm absolutely FLYING with what she's saying here. Now the question remains - how do I put this into practice in MY life? Easier said than done.
She goes on....(excerpted from her chapter entitled Leaps of Faith).......
"Our lives are filled with places where we choose to leap or stay put. One is not better than the other, yet leaping has its advantages. Leaps of faith are also taken by staying. If you are raising children consciously, or schooling them differently, you are demonstrating daily leaps of faith. Commitments of all kinds require leaps of faith."
OK. So now my question is: How can one make those Alive Choices if one's partner isn't supportive of them? If there's an Alive Choice you need to make and you and your partner aren't on the same "page" where the choice is concerned?
Just thinking out loud here.....
I think I may, perhaps, have hit upon - at least in part - the answer to my own question. At the very least, it provides food for thought.
A while back a friend loaned me a book called Wild Succulent Women by an author named SARK. I'd never heard of this author. But I loved the book and while in the US in October I picked up three more of SARK's books. I think every woman should read them. The one I'm currently reading is called The Bodacious Book of Succulence. This part of the book really leapt out at me this morning. It's from the chapter entitled Making More Alive Choices.
"When considering choices in your life, the "most alive choice" feels like a bit of a risk, makes you giggle, or makes the hairs at the back of your neck stand up. It can be a simple and tiny shift, such as taking a new route or as large as moving your whole life somewhere you haven't lived before.
We are constantly presented with choices. Often, our inner critics run the whole show, and we use a lot of language with these words:
Have to
Should
I'd better
Or else
These can be bullies of the language world.
Sometimes we need to wonder who is making our life choices! We might stumble from one obligation to another, lost in a series of have-tos. People buy wedding gifts they don't want to buy, attend birthday parties out of guilt or fear, spend time with people they don't even enjoy, or push their children into unwanted activities. And then we all get crabby!
I think that as adults we become rigified, encrusted with grudges, wounds, and protective devices that don't work anyway. We walk carefully along, checking our purses, pockets and car keys. Gone are our bamboo walking sticks and flags for countries that we've made up. I think those things are gone because we've stopped calling them.
We deserve to be the caretakers for our spirits and dreams, and this means truly sensing and listening for our most alive route. It may not be a common path, or a popular one, yet it will be clearly ours."
OK. At this point I'm absolutely FLYING with what she's saying here. Now the question remains - how do I put this into practice in MY life? Easier said than done.
She goes on....(excerpted from her chapter entitled Leaps of Faith).......
"Our lives are filled with places where we choose to leap or stay put. One is not better than the other, yet leaping has its advantages. Leaps of faith are also taken by staying. If you are raising children consciously, or schooling them differently, you are demonstrating daily leaps of faith. Commitments of all kinds require leaps of faith."
OK. So now my question is: How can one make those Alive Choices if one's partner isn't supportive of them? If there's an Alive Choice you need to make and you and your partner aren't on the same "page" where the choice is concerned?
Just thinking out loud here.....
Monday, January 24, 2011
Monotony and "Stuckness"
Very excited about my success at posting all those pics yesterday AND the little video clip of E on his birthday toy. Yay me!
Now something I've been struggling with for a good while i.e the monotony of my days and a general feeling that something's missing - just not sure what, exactly. A general feeling of "stuckness". I have this constant feeling that I'm waiting for something really exciting and inspiring and rejuvenating to happen and it rarely does. I want to get up and GO. I want to take voice lessons. I want to read and write. I want to travel. I want to take Flamenco dance lessons. I want a yard to garden in. But there's no money. There's no time. There's no energy. And besides. What would I do with the kids while I do all those things? I can FINALLY say that I like my job a lot (even though I'd far rather be comfortable enough to be home with my kids) and I LOVE being with my kids but the high point of my day is crashing into bed as early as possible. I suppose it's my escape. DH tells me it's like being married to a corpse. (Nice, huh?) I need a change - or changes - and DH isn't seeing it. He's Mr. Anti-Change.
I try and do little things for myself. Find time to read even if it's only .3792 seconds once every three days while I'm on the toilet (and before one of my offspring barges in to ask if they can have candy for dinner) or force myself to work on one of my crafty projects after the kids are in bed and even though I'm dead tired or go out on a Friday morning ALONE and window shop and sit somewhere interesting and people watch while soaking up some sun and while I have a coffee or an ice cream or whatever. These things do pick me up but.......I'm still left feeling, "What? This is IT? It doesn't get any better than THIS?" I feel guilty for having these thoughts and for being ungrateful for what I have but I know I'm not the only woman having them.
What's the answer?
Now something I've been struggling with for a good while i.e the monotony of my days and a general feeling that something's missing - just not sure what, exactly. A general feeling of "stuckness". I have this constant feeling that I'm waiting for something really exciting and inspiring and rejuvenating to happen and it rarely does. I want to get up and GO. I want to take voice lessons. I want to read and write. I want to travel. I want to take Flamenco dance lessons. I want a yard to garden in. But there's no money. There's no time. There's no energy. And besides. What would I do with the kids while I do all those things? I can FINALLY say that I like my job a lot (even though I'd far rather be comfortable enough to be home with my kids) and I LOVE being with my kids but the high point of my day is crashing into bed as early as possible. I suppose it's my escape. DH tells me it's like being married to a corpse. (Nice, huh?) I need a change - or changes - and DH isn't seeing it. He's Mr. Anti-Change.
I try and do little things for myself. Find time to read even if it's only .3792 seconds once every three days while I'm on the toilet (and before one of my offspring barges in to ask if they can have candy for dinner) or force myself to work on one of my crafty projects after the kids are in bed and even though I'm dead tired or go out on a Friday morning ALONE and window shop and sit somewhere interesting and people watch while soaking up some sun and while I have a coffee or an ice cream or whatever. These things do pick me up but.......I'm still left feeling, "What? This is IT? It doesn't get any better than THIS?" I feel guilty for having these thoughts and for being ungrateful for what I have but I know I'm not the only woman having them.
What's the answer?
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Follow-up to E's Birthday Party - Pics
My boychik after his birthday party in gan
T and E
Lt to rt: T, Aunt H, cousin K
Aunt H and E
Y displaying one of E's gifts
E playing with his gift from me and DH
My Baby is TWO!
E's English birthday - which is what we celebrate - is on Monday. So yesterday afternoon we had a small party for him at home for the Simpson Clan. We blew up some balloons which the kids had fun bashing around the living room and I have an extra large couch seat cushion that we often throw down on the floor for the kids to jump on and roll around on in lieu of a trampoline so I got that out for them. They loved it!
I made so much food! 2 kinds of quiches (corn and onion), tabbouleh salad, coleslaw, cherry tomato and "bulgarit" cheese with olive oil and zaatar salad, three bean salad, egg salad and crackers, cheese platter, green olives and a teddy bear shaped chocolate birthday cake with white frosting and chocolate lentils for the bear's eyes and buttons. Savta I made fried salmon patties. All the food came out AMAZING and it was a very nice, balanced selection - something for everyone.
After the "real" food we had the cake and candles and E opened his gifts. A bath toy from Aunt H, 2 nice sweaters from sister R and a large inflatable bouncy horse for him to ride on.
After everyone left I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. I do NOT enjoy hosting. At all. It's very stressful for me. Probably has something to do with me not liking to cook.....even though I'm not half bad at it. And the fact that certain of the invited guests are very stressful for me to be around. Do you appreciate the understatement here?
Last night after everyone left and we'd cleaned up, our shul put on a comedy evening with musical interludes starring several of the shul's members. We have two members who do amateur stand-up and who perform in J-m as well at a club there. So DH and I went to that since T was home from school to babysit. It was pretty good/amusing.
Joke: Why are Jews not known for being excessive drinkers? Answer: It interferes with their suffering.
HAHAHAHAHA!
On another note, Y has received over the course of numerous birthdays and other occasions pocket money which has gone into an envelope for her in our safe. She has quite a bit saved up and does NOT need any more clothes, books or toys. So DH and I decided that I would take her to see Spirit of the Dance tomorrow night. It's a surprise. Really looking forward to that. When I was pregnant with Y, I took T to see Lord of the Dance (similar thing). It was awesome! Hope tomorrow will be as good.
I made so much food! 2 kinds of quiches (corn and onion), tabbouleh salad, coleslaw, cherry tomato and "bulgarit" cheese with olive oil and zaatar salad, three bean salad, egg salad and crackers, cheese platter, green olives and a teddy bear shaped chocolate birthday cake with white frosting and chocolate lentils for the bear's eyes and buttons. Savta I made fried salmon patties. All the food came out AMAZING and it was a very nice, balanced selection - something for everyone.
After the "real" food we had the cake and candles and E opened his gifts. A bath toy from Aunt H, 2 nice sweaters from sister R and a large inflatable bouncy horse for him to ride on.
After everyone left I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. I do NOT enjoy hosting. At all. It's very stressful for me. Probably has something to do with me not liking to cook.....even though I'm not half bad at it. And the fact that certain of the invited guests are very stressful for me to be around. Do you appreciate the understatement here?
Last night after everyone left and we'd cleaned up, our shul put on a comedy evening with musical interludes starring several of the shul's members. We have two members who do amateur stand-up and who perform in J-m as well at a club there. So DH and I went to that since T was home from school to babysit. It was pretty good/amusing.
Joke: Why are Jews not known for being excessive drinkers? Answer: It interferes with their suffering.
HAHAHAHAHA!
On another note, Y has received over the course of numerous birthdays and other occasions pocket money which has gone into an envelope for her in our safe. She has quite a bit saved up and does NOT need any more clothes, books or toys. So DH and I decided that I would take her to see Spirit of the Dance tomorrow night. It's a surprise. Really looking forward to that. When I was pregnant with Y, I took T to see Lord of the Dance (similar thing). It was awesome! Hope tomorrow will be as good.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Starch and Sugar for Dinner
I'm such a good Mom. Really I am. In fact, I wish I had had me for a mother.
About 10 months ago they opened up a new IKEA store 15 minutes from us. Before that, the only other one was a good hour's drive away. So we are happy. The store also has a cafeteria-style restaurant with good and (relatively) inexpensive food. Last night after work we went there and my kids had french fries and Pepsi for dinner. Like I said. Such a good mother......
Oh yeah. And our BIG PURCHASE? A 12 NIS (approx. $3.15) potty chair for E.
Potty training? Here we come!
And here's the latest "funny" from Y:
Y: "Ima (EE-mah - mother), can you buy me a big poofy wedding dress?"
Me: "No."
Y: "Then I'll buy one for myself b/c you're going to die and then I'll be the Ima."
About 10 months ago they opened up a new IKEA store 15 minutes from us. Before that, the only other one was a good hour's drive away. So we are happy. The store also has a cafeteria-style restaurant with good and (relatively) inexpensive food. Last night after work we went there and my kids had french fries and Pepsi for dinner. Like I said. Such a good mother......
Oh yeah. And our BIG PURCHASE? A 12 NIS (approx. $3.15) potty chair for E.
Potty training? Here we come!
And here's the latest "funny" from Y:
Y: "Ima (EE-mah - mother), can you buy me a big poofy wedding dress?"
Me: "No."
Y: "Then I'll buy one for myself b/c you're going to die and then I'll be the Ima."
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
A Little of This and a Little of That
Yesterday was CRAZY!
First of all, T called me up on Sunday and asked me to pick her up from school so she could sleep at home which meant getting up at 6 am yesterday and leaving the house with her by 7 am with E in tow. Got her to school nice and early but then on the way back hit horrific morning work traffic. It took me almost an HOUR to get back into Rehovot when normally it's a 20 minute drive. Whatever. On the way back home, E started screaming so I ended up giving him my cell phone to play with. Always cheers him up.Threw him Dropped him at gan (day care) and raced home to find that I was....cellphoneless. I called the gannenet (his day care caretaker) and asked her if she'd seen my cell phone on or around E. While I was on the line with her, I phoned my cell from our other line. She said she heard it ringing and mobilized all the other 2 year olds to help her search for it. In the end they found it on him. GUESS WHERE. In lieu of a pocket, he'd shoved it down his pant leg!! Tha-a-a-a-t's m'boy!
As a result of the above, got to work FORTY MINUTES LATE. Yikes! No one said anything but I'm not happy about that. Doesn't look good. And then to top it off I got to work and looked at my calendar to find that I had a dr. appointment at 14:00 that I'd completely forgotten about so I had to leave (again) in the middle of the day to go to that. Luckily I was back in the office within about 50 minutes. Lo norAH (transl: "not terrible").
When I got home from work, DH was up to his ears in urgent work so I scooped up the kids and ran out with them to take care of some little annoying errands - pick up a book that someone agreed to loan me, pick up some maternity clothes that I'd loaned to a friend and also went and bought some new bras - 6 for 100 NIS (approx. $26)!! Even DH was impressed at that. So that was a little pick-me-up.
And back, by popular request......pancakes for dinner last night. E promptly ripped his up into little bits and started FLINGING them all over the living room. Sigh. I'm telling you. When I say the kid should be in the World Series.....What a pitch!!
Since a day or two ago, I am no longer bored at work. Things have picked up dramatically and it's MUCH better. I don't spend the day counting seconds and the time flies by. This of course leaves less time for blogging. I'm just sayin'.....
Yesterday I booked tickets for me and Y to go see Spirit of the Dance in Tel Aviv on the 24th. Looking forward to that. I think she needs some alone time with me. She doesn't NEED any more material possessions so when an opporunity to take her to a cultural event like Spirit of the Dance came up we decided I would take her using her gift money that has accumulated in her bank from birthdays/Chanukah, etc. In the interests of the pocketbook, DH is staying home to babysit. :-(
When I was in the US in October, I got a nasty shock. I found out that a very good childhood friend of mine is in prison. He has to be in for FIFTEEN years (it's been two)!! I had had a bad feeling about him for a long time b/c I had searched for him on FB. All of his 4 brothers are on FB - he isn't. I've also Googled his name. Nothing. I've looked at his brothers' photos on FB and he isn't in any of them. So while I was in the Bay Area I met up with his mother for a few hours and she told me. I knew something was wrong but wasn't expecting THAT. I was so shocked I couldn't even bring myself to ask, "Why? How? What happened?" And even if I knew what he'd done it's not going to change anything or make me feel any better so does it really matter what he did? It's really sad and painful for me to think about so I can't even begin to imagine how painful it must be for her and the rest of the family although she seemed surprisingly positive about it. (Though I'm sure SHE must have gone through the whole gammut of emotions over the past 2 years that he's been in.) I had to phone his mother the other night to get her mailing address so asked how he is doing. She told me a little more about his circumstances but still no mention of WHY. I'd phoned her cell phone and she said she and her husband were driving down to AZ to visit him and that he's doing well under the circumstances. I asked if he's allowed to receive mail. She said yes and gave me his mailing address and seemed pleased that I'd offered to write him. But what does one write to someone in prison? How's the food? Been out for exercise today? I've started a letter to him and hope to get it sent off by the end of the week. I guess all I can do is fill him in on my life and hope he finds it a teeny bit interesting.
First of all, T called me up on Sunday and asked me to pick her up from school so she could sleep at home which meant getting up at 6 am yesterday and leaving the house with her by 7 am with E in tow. Got her to school nice and early but then on the way back hit horrific morning work traffic. It took me almost an HOUR to get back into Rehovot when normally it's a 20 minute drive. Whatever. On the way back home, E started screaming so I ended up giving him my cell phone to play with. Always cheers him up.
As a result of the above, got to work FORTY MINUTES LATE. Yikes! No one said anything but I'm not happy about that. Doesn't look good. And then to top it off I got to work and looked at my calendar to find that I had a dr. appointment at 14:00 that I'd completely forgotten about so I had to leave (again) in the middle of the day to go to that. Luckily I was back in the office within about 50 minutes. Lo norAH (transl: "not terrible").
When I got home from work, DH was up to his ears in urgent work so I scooped up the kids and ran out with them to take care of some little annoying errands - pick up a book that someone agreed to loan me, pick up some maternity clothes that I'd loaned to a friend and also went and bought some new bras - 6 for 100 NIS (approx. $26)!! Even DH was impressed at that. So that was a little pick-me-up.
And back, by popular request......pancakes for dinner last night. E promptly ripped his up into little bits and started FLINGING them all over the living room. Sigh. I'm telling you. When I say the kid should be in the World Series.....What a pitch!!
Since a day or two ago, I am no longer bored at work. Things have picked up dramatically and it's MUCH better. I don't spend the day counting seconds and the time flies by. This of course leaves less time for blogging. I'm just sayin'.....
Yesterday I booked tickets for me and Y to go see Spirit of the Dance in Tel Aviv on the 24th. Looking forward to that. I think she needs some alone time with me. She doesn't NEED any more material possessions so when an opporunity to take her to a cultural event like Spirit of the Dance came up we decided I would take her using her gift money that has accumulated in her bank from birthdays/Chanukah, etc. In the interests of the pocketbook, DH is staying home to babysit. :-(
When I was in the US in October, I got a nasty shock. I found out that a very good childhood friend of mine is in prison. He has to be in for FIFTEEN years (it's been two)!! I had had a bad feeling about him for a long time b/c I had searched for him on FB. All of his 4 brothers are on FB - he isn't. I've also Googled his name. Nothing. I've looked at his brothers' photos on FB and he isn't in any of them. So while I was in the Bay Area I met up with his mother for a few hours and she told me. I knew something was wrong but wasn't expecting THAT. I was so shocked I couldn't even bring myself to ask, "Why? How? What happened?" And even if I knew what he'd done it's not going to change anything or make me feel any better so does it really matter what he did? It's really sad and painful for me to think about so I can't even begin to imagine how painful it must be for her and the rest of the family although she seemed surprisingly positive about it. (Though I'm sure SHE must have gone through the whole gammut of emotions over the past 2 years that he's been in.) I had to phone his mother the other night to get her mailing address so asked how he is doing. She told me a little more about his circumstances but still no mention of WHY. I'd phoned her cell phone and she said she and her husband were driving down to AZ to visit him and that he's doing well under the circumstances. I asked if he's allowed to receive mail. She said yes and gave me his mailing address and seemed pleased that I'd offered to write him. But what does one write to someone in prison? How's the food? Been out for exercise today? I've started a letter to him and hope to get it sent off by the end of the week. I guess all I can do is fill him in on my life and hope he finds it a teeny bit interesting.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Understanding Culture - Part 4 of 4
By: Katrina Jacobs
This is the third article in the series on Israeli culture. It touches upon differences in the understanding of concepts such as time, authority and rules.
John Cleese once observed that the English go to extraordinary lengths to avoid embarrassing situations. For Israelis, rather than embarrassment, the thing to be avoided at all costs is being a ‘frier’.
The term ‘frier’, although it may sound like an oil-smothered sunbather on a Tel Aviv beach or someone skilled in the art of falafel making, actually refers to a person who allows himself to be taken advantage of – a ‘sucker’. The ‘frier’ concept, so central to the Israeli mindset, does not exist in isolation but can clearly be related to the perception of rules within Israeli culture. This article, the final in the ‘Understanding Culture’ series, explores how Anglo-Saxons and Israelis differ in relation to their orientations towards rules, time and authority. Although differences on these three parameters are subtler than those concerning communication and boundaries (reviewed in article two), they are still capable of creating considerable cultural collisions. The following article describes real-life anecdotes to illustrate the impact of the differing cultural preferences and presents some practical tips to help new immigrants and visitors to Israel better understand and interact with Israeli culture.
RULES
Cultures vary greatly in their attitude towards rules. Certain cultures consider rules to be fixed and to be followed no matter what, whereas others view rules as mere guidelines to be tested where possible and necessary. Israeli culture, unlike most Anglo-Saxon cultures, falls firmly into the latter category and the consequences of this orientation touch many aspects of Israeli daily life. Anyone who has spent time in Israel is likely to have experienced at least one of the following scenarios: Getting to the front of the queue at the deli counter only to have someone behind you shout out their order loudly completely ignoring the fact that you were there first; indicating to overtake on the road only to be met by a car in the fast lane suddenly accelerating towards you with lights flashing ensuring that you drop any thought of overtaking them; being told by a taxi driver that he doesn’t use the meter (contrary to legal requirements) and being offered a ‘fixed’ price that is notably higher than it should be.
These examples represent only a small fraction of the endless list of events that can lead someone new to Israel to conclude that Israelis are inconsiderate and will try to rip you off at every opportunity. Although I confess to having briefly accepted this view whilst in the depths of culture shock, I now understand that the majority of Israelis are not dishonest but do have a distinctly different view of rules from my own. I was brought up with the general assumption that the system exists to serve the people and view those who take advantage of the system as basically reprehensible. Israelis, in general, consider the system e.g. banks, government offices etc., to work against them and therefore have a greater respect for those who cleverly play the system, and often view people who follow every rule to their detriment as naïve.
This orientation leads to a situation where most things in Israel are considered flexible and up for negotiation. Jumping queues, parking outside of the specified lines, driving a ‘little’ faster than the legal limits, asking a service assistant to let you in even though the shop sign clearly states ‘closed’, are all common practice in Israel - if you can get away with it then it’s certainly worth a try, even if you are slightly ‘bending’ the rules.
Although all these behaviours may sound rather negative to the Anglo-Saxon cultural perspective, the characteristic of being open to testing the rules also has a positive side. Not all rules/systems are necessarily smart or relevant – many are established in one context yet applied illogically to another. Being able to comfortably question things and find better alternatives to the current system can often have great value. The huge success of Israel’s hi-tech industry may be, at least in part, attributed to this cultural orientation. Israeli technicians and scientists are respected the world-over for their ability to challenge existing systems and protocols and find innovative and effective solutions. In fact, Israelis often view cultures that rigidly follow every rule as ‘square’, inflexible, and lacking in initiative.
TIME
Another cultural parameter where Israelis generally differ from their Anglo-Saxon counterparts is in their orientation towards time. The following experience offers some insight into how different assumptions about time can lead to misunderstandings.
Following the classic interview workshop tips, I arrived five minutes early, well groomed and fully prepared (or so I thought) for my first job interview in Israel. Yossi, the Human Resources Manager, arrived 10 minutes late without apology, introduced himself briefly then plunged into questioning me about my previous work. As I opened my mouth to answer, Yossi’s phone rang and he signalled for me to wait while he answered. When the call ended, I continued with my answer and the interview flowed for ten minutes. At this point, a secretary entered the room, placed a pile of letters on Yossi’s desk and asked for his signature ‘dahoof’ (‘urgently’). He took the papers and began to read and sign them whilst simultaneously asking me questions and nodding at my responses. Five minutes later, Yossi interrupted the interview again by calling the secretary to collect the papers. We then continued for another ten minutes and just as I wanted to ask some questions, Yossi’s wife rang on his mobile phone. He told me that he had to leave now to collect his children but indicated that he would be in touch soon to arrange a second interview.
A second interview - but why? Why would he want to give me a second interview when he clearly showed little interest or respect towards my candidacy in the first? Furthermore, why would I want another interview – if Yossi’s unprofessional approach was a reflection of how the company operated, I wouldn’t want to work there anyway. Looking back on my UK experience, I was offended by Yossi’s unwillingness to give me 20 minutes of uninterrupted time and had been quick to assume that he did not take me seriously. These assumptions may have been fair had the interview been in London, New York, Sydney or Cape Town. I was, however, missing one simple fact – I was in Israel and the rules of the game are just … different.
The Israeli orientation to time, as with communication, has a far greater tolerance for interruptions compared to many Anglo-Saxon cultures. They tend to be multi-focused in there approach to time. Unlike linear cultures that prefer to focus on one task, complete it, then move onto the next, Israelis are generally happy dealing with numerous tasks or projects simultaneously. In addition, Israeli culture has a fluid orientation to time - promptness is appreciated, however a 10-minute delay without apology or explanation is not considered quite the sin that it may be in some other cultures. Changing schedules or plans at short notice is not uncommon. Flexibility is valued and the ability to quickly alter plans in response to new priorities is appreciated. For people who value the ‘plan the work, work the plan’ approach, Israeli planning and time management can be trying – seeming more lacking in focus than multi-focused.
The tendency to have a short/medium rather than long-term orientation to time is another aspect of Israeli culture. For the majority of companies in Israel you are more likely to find a 5-month business plan than a 5-year plan (if there is a plan at all!). Social as well as business planning also tend to take a short-term perspective. Whereas in London, you may make social arrangements a week, if not a month, in advance - if you call an Israeli friend to arrange to meet in a café in a week’s time they probably find it odd and suggest that, if available, you pop round for coffee on the spot. This ‘live for the here and now’ approach is quite understandable considering the context of Israeli society as things change so rapidly and no one knows what the future holds, long-terms plans are often redundant.
AUTHORITY
When you walk into a meeting in the UK, the US or South Africa it's usually fairly easy to ascertain who’s in charge. That person may be chairing the meeting, be sitting in an honorary position, and/or be referred to with respect (genuine or otherwise) by others. In Israel, deciphering who’s the boss is often more difficult. Israelis tend to use similar forms of address and tone whether speaking to the lowest or highest member of an organisation. Furthermore, challenging of authority is largely accepted and even respected rather than seen as disrespectful as it is in many Anglo-Saxon cultures.
These behaviours can be largely related to the equalitarian nature of Israeli culture. Social status is less influential than in hierarchical, class-conscious cultures - ability and drive (not to mention a few good connections) are more likely to determine success than educational or social background. Another impact of this orientation is that as a teacher or manager, you will be expected to earn your authority from the outset rather than have it automatically bestowed upon you due to your assigned position.
Although one can argue that this approach may be fairer, the resulting ease with which Israelis challenge hierarchy and authority is often misinterpreted as inappropriate and arrogant. When interacting with Israelis, particularly in a work environment, people from Anglo-Saxon cultures often find the mixture of the Israeli norms regarding rules, time and authority (not to mention direct communication and close boundaries!) rather disconcerting and often question its efficiency.
STRATEGIES FOR INTERACTING WITH ISRAELIS
The issue is not whether Israeli cultural orientations increase efficiency or otherwise - as with all cross-cultural comparisons there is no right or wrong way. What does exist, however, are more or less effective ways of interacting across cultures. As mentioned in the previous article, a key starting point for effective interactions is to be aware of your own culture orientations relative to Israeli norms and to resist applying your cultural assumptions in the Israeli context. The following general tips, related to rules, time and authority, can be very effective for interactions in Israel.
1. Be aware rules are not always fixed – if you are not comfortable with something that is presented to you, try to negotiate an alternative.
2. Stand your ground – ‘don’t be a frier’- don’t let others take advantage, if you feel that your rights are being undermined then stand firm. If someone pushes in or is clearly charging an unreasonable rate then feel free to question it assertively (it’s more likely to be expected than rejected).
3. Prepare for changes to plans and schedules – try to be flexible, take mobile phones/books to meetings so if delayed you can use the time productively. Don’t automatically interpret changes as a personal insult.
4. Feel free to challenge authority – if something is suggested that you are uncomfortable with or disagree with then make your objections to the issue clear – ideally offering a reasonable alternative at the same time.
5. Don’t be put off by being challenged – it often reflects interest more than disrespect. Respond assertively to having your authority or ideas questioned and avoid taking offence – it’s unlikely to be intended.
It is important, at this point, to re-iterate the fact that when dealing with cultures one can only talk in generalizations. Clearly not every Israeli fits the cultural pattern outlined above but in general, these trends have been repeatedly observed. Likewise not all of the tips are suited to everyone or every context. They are, however, of value for people who struggle with Israeli interactions and want to explore different responses that may be more effective than their current ones. Some new immigrants show concern or even disgust at the prospect of picking up some of the challenging, corner-cutting, and rule-bending Israeli cultural tendencies. Though some of side effects of these ways can be disastrous e.g. Israeli traffic accidents, these very same traits can and have enabled remarkable achievements and developments such as seen in the Israeli hi-tech, medical science, irrigation world.
This is the third article in the series on Israeli culture. It touches upon differences in the understanding of concepts such as time, authority and rules.
John Cleese once observed that the English go to extraordinary lengths to avoid embarrassing situations. For Israelis, rather than embarrassment, the thing to be avoided at all costs is being a ‘frier’.
The term ‘frier’, although it may sound like an oil-smothered sunbather on a Tel Aviv beach or someone skilled in the art of falafel making, actually refers to a person who allows himself to be taken advantage of – a ‘sucker’. The ‘frier’ concept, so central to the Israeli mindset, does not exist in isolation but can clearly be related to the perception of rules within Israeli culture. This article, the final in the ‘Understanding Culture’ series, explores how Anglo-Saxons and Israelis differ in relation to their orientations towards rules, time and authority. Although differences on these three parameters are subtler than those concerning communication and boundaries (reviewed in article two), they are still capable of creating considerable cultural collisions. The following article describes real-life anecdotes to illustrate the impact of the differing cultural preferences and presents some practical tips to help new immigrants and visitors to Israel better understand and interact with Israeli culture.
RULES
Cultures vary greatly in their attitude towards rules. Certain cultures consider rules to be fixed and to be followed no matter what, whereas others view rules as mere guidelines to be tested where possible and necessary. Israeli culture, unlike most Anglo-Saxon cultures, falls firmly into the latter category and the consequences of this orientation touch many aspects of Israeli daily life. Anyone who has spent time in Israel is likely to have experienced at least one of the following scenarios: Getting to the front of the queue at the deli counter only to have someone behind you shout out their order loudly completely ignoring the fact that you were there first; indicating to overtake on the road only to be met by a car in the fast lane suddenly accelerating towards you with lights flashing ensuring that you drop any thought of overtaking them; being told by a taxi driver that he doesn’t use the meter (contrary to legal requirements) and being offered a ‘fixed’ price that is notably higher than it should be.
These examples represent only a small fraction of the endless list of events that can lead someone new to Israel to conclude that Israelis are inconsiderate and will try to rip you off at every opportunity. Although I confess to having briefly accepted this view whilst in the depths of culture shock, I now understand that the majority of Israelis are not dishonest but do have a distinctly different view of rules from my own. I was brought up with the general assumption that the system exists to serve the people and view those who take advantage of the system as basically reprehensible. Israelis, in general, consider the system e.g. banks, government offices etc., to work against them and therefore have a greater respect for those who cleverly play the system, and often view people who follow every rule to their detriment as naïve.
This orientation leads to a situation where most things in Israel are considered flexible and up for negotiation. Jumping queues, parking outside of the specified lines, driving a ‘little’ faster than the legal limits, asking a service assistant to let you in even though the shop sign clearly states ‘closed’, are all common practice in Israel - if you can get away with it then it’s certainly worth a try, even if you are slightly ‘bending’ the rules.
Although all these behaviours may sound rather negative to the Anglo-Saxon cultural perspective, the characteristic of being open to testing the rules also has a positive side. Not all rules/systems are necessarily smart or relevant – many are established in one context yet applied illogically to another. Being able to comfortably question things and find better alternatives to the current system can often have great value. The huge success of Israel’s hi-tech industry may be, at least in part, attributed to this cultural orientation. Israeli technicians and scientists are respected the world-over for their ability to challenge existing systems and protocols and find innovative and effective solutions. In fact, Israelis often view cultures that rigidly follow every rule as ‘square’, inflexible, and lacking in initiative.
TIME
Another cultural parameter where Israelis generally differ from their Anglo-Saxon counterparts is in their orientation towards time. The following experience offers some insight into how different assumptions about time can lead to misunderstandings.
Following the classic interview workshop tips, I arrived five minutes early, well groomed and fully prepared (or so I thought) for my first job interview in Israel. Yossi, the Human Resources Manager, arrived 10 minutes late without apology, introduced himself briefly then plunged into questioning me about my previous work. As I opened my mouth to answer, Yossi’s phone rang and he signalled for me to wait while he answered. When the call ended, I continued with my answer and the interview flowed for ten minutes. At this point, a secretary entered the room, placed a pile of letters on Yossi’s desk and asked for his signature ‘dahoof’ (‘urgently’). He took the papers and began to read and sign them whilst simultaneously asking me questions and nodding at my responses. Five minutes later, Yossi interrupted the interview again by calling the secretary to collect the papers. We then continued for another ten minutes and just as I wanted to ask some questions, Yossi’s wife rang on his mobile phone. He told me that he had to leave now to collect his children but indicated that he would be in touch soon to arrange a second interview.
A second interview - but why? Why would he want to give me a second interview when he clearly showed little interest or respect towards my candidacy in the first? Furthermore, why would I want another interview – if Yossi’s unprofessional approach was a reflection of how the company operated, I wouldn’t want to work there anyway. Looking back on my UK experience, I was offended by Yossi’s unwillingness to give me 20 minutes of uninterrupted time and had been quick to assume that he did not take me seriously. These assumptions may have been fair had the interview been in London, New York, Sydney or Cape Town. I was, however, missing one simple fact – I was in Israel and the rules of the game are just … different.
The Israeli orientation to time, as with communication, has a far greater tolerance for interruptions compared to many Anglo-Saxon cultures. They tend to be multi-focused in there approach to time. Unlike linear cultures that prefer to focus on one task, complete it, then move onto the next, Israelis are generally happy dealing with numerous tasks or projects simultaneously. In addition, Israeli culture has a fluid orientation to time - promptness is appreciated, however a 10-minute delay without apology or explanation is not considered quite the sin that it may be in some other cultures. Changing schedules or plans at short notice is not uncommon. Flexibility is valued and the ability to quickly alter plans in response to new priorities is appreciated. For people who value the ‘plan the work, work the plan’ approach, Israeli planning and time management can be trying – seeming more lacking in focus than multi-focused.
The tendency to have a short/medium rather than long-term orientation to time is another aspect of Israeli culture. For the majority of companies in Israel you are more likely to find a 5-month business plan than a 5-year plan (if there is a plan at all!). Social as well as business planning also tend to take a short-term perspective. Whereas in London, you may make social arrangements a week, if not a month, in advance - if you call an Israeli friend to arrange to meet in a café in a week’s time they probably find it odd and suggest that, if available, you pop round for coffee on the spot. This ‘live for the here and now’ approach is quite understandable considering the context of Israeli society as things change so rapidly and no one knows what the future holds, long-terms plans are often redundant.
AUTHORITY
When you walk into a meeting in the UK, the US or South Africa it's usually fairly easy to ascertain who’s in charge. That person may be chairing the meeting, be sitting in an honorary position, and/or be referred to with respect (genuine or otherwise) by others. In Israel, deciphering who’s the boss is often more difficult. Israelis tend to use similar forms of address and tone whether speaking to the lowest or highest member of an organisation. Furthermore, challenging of authority is largely accepted and even respected rather than seen as disrespectful as it is in many Anglo-Saxon cultures.
These behaviours can be largely related to the equalitarian nature of Israeli culture. Social status is less influential than in hierarchical, class-conscious cultures - ability and drive (not to mention a few good connections) are more likely to determine success than educational or social background. Another impact of this orientation is that as a teacher or manager, you will be expected to earn your authority from the outset rather than have it automatically bestowed upon you due to your assigned position.
Although one can argue that this approach may be fairer, the resulting ease with which Israelis challenge hierarchy and authority is often misinterpreted as inappropriate and arrogant. When interacting with Israelis, particularly in a work environment, people from Anglo-Saxon cultures often find the mixture of the Israeli norms regarding rules, time and authority (not to mention direct communication and close boundaries!) rather disconcerting and often question its efficiency.
STRATEGIES FOR INTERACTING WITH ISRAELIS
The issue is not whether Israeli cultural orientations increase efficiency or otherwise - as with all cross-cultural comparisons there is no right or wrong way. What does exist, however, are more or less effective ways of interacting across cultures. As mentioned in the previous article, a key starting point for effective interactions is to be aware of your own culture orientations relative to Israeli norms and to resist applying your cultural assumptions in the Israeli context. The following general tips, related to rules, time and authority, can be very effective for interactions in Israel.
1. Be aware rules are not always fixed – if you are not comfortable with something that is presented to you, try to negotiate an alternative.
2. Stand your ground – ‘don’t be a frier’- don’t let others take advantage, if you feel that your rights are being undermined then stand firm. If someone pushes in or is clearly charging an unreasonable rate then feel free to question it assertively (it’s more likely to be expected than rejected).
3. Prepare for changes to plans and schedules – try to be flexible, take mobile phones/books to meetings so if delayed you can use the time productively. Don’t automatically interpret changes as a personal insult.
4. Feel free to challenge authority – if something is suggested that you are uncomfortable with or disagree with then make your objections to the issue clear – ideally offering a reasonable alternative at the same time.
5. Don’t be put off by being challenged – it often reflects interest more than disrespect. Respond assertively to having your authority or ideas questioned and avoid taking offence – it’s unlikely to be intended.
It is important, at this point, to re-iterate the fact that when dealing with cultures one can only talk in generalizations. Clearly not every Israeli fits the cultural pattern outlined above but in general, these trends have been repeatedly observed. Likewise not all of the tips are suited to everyone or every context. They are, however, of value for people who struggle with Israeli interactions and want to explore different responses that may be more effective than their current ones. Some new immigrants show concern or even disgust at the prospect of picking up some of the challenging, corner-cutting, and rule-bending Israeli cultural tendencies. Though some of side effects of these ways can be disastrous e.g. Israeli traffic accidents, these very same traits can and have enabled remarkable achievements and developments such as seen in the Israeli hi-tech, medical science, irrigation world.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Understanding Culture - Part 3 of 4
By: Katrina Jacobs
“Israelis simply do not have the same concept of ‘minding one’s own business’ as other nations have. In Israel, everything and everybody is everyone else’s business. If Israelis keep their bedroom windows closed while being intimate, it is for fear of being shouted at with neighborly advice." The Xenophobe’s® Guide to The Israelis (i)
How we define ‘one’s business,’ and personal boundaries in general, is largely determined by our culture. In the second ‘Understanding Culture’ article, some key characteristics of culture were described and the issue of boundaries was introduced as a cultural parameter together with communication, time, rules and authority. This third article takes a closer look at the Israeli cultural orientation towards communication and personal boundaries and will be followed by a fourth article focusing on time, rules and authority. In both these articles real-life anecdotes are shared to illustrate the consequences of cultural differences and strategies are offered to help avoid, or at least manage, the ‘challenges’ that often occur when Anglo-Saxons interact with Israelis.
COMMUNICATION STYLE – ‘Why didn’t you ask?’
My first job in Israel was a 3-month research project for a local consulting firm. Despite the pay being negligible, especially when comparing it to my previous UK salary (a most inadvisable endeavor), I was happy to find work in my field. Furthermore, I was pleased with the offer of a desk, computer, and secretarial support throughout the project. When I started, I was informed that for the first few days I should use whatever computer was free until I was given my own workstation. After a couple of weeks, no workstation had been assigned and I was already doing all my administration work myself rather than approaching the ‘less-than-obliging’ secretaries for help. After 3 months, I was still jumping between different consultants' computers and felt utterly dejected by the whole work experience. As such, I was somewhat surprised when in our final project meeting my manager offered me more work. I thanked him politely yet replied that I would rather not continue with the firm given the poor conditions and lack of support. My manager looked at me completely amazed and asked in a confused tone ‘if you wanted support, why didn’t you ask?’
This was my first lesson in the rules of Israeli communication… if you want something - ask! Simple indeed, yet at this point in my acculturation I was still ‘terribly English’ and felt uncomfortable asking for anything for fear of appearing demanding. I interpreted the lack of promised support as disrespectful and unprofessional whereas my manager, who in hindsight was a good employer, had simply been too busy to check up on the workstation issue and assumed that, as he had not heard to the contrary, I must have been happy.
Differences in communication style are the cause of many cultural conflicts between Israeli and non-Israelis. Israelis prefer to communicate in a way that is direct – very direct. Interests are mostly expressed in terms of ‘I want’ or ‘I need’ and more indirect phrases such as ‘Would it be possible’ or ‘It would nice if…’ may well be misinterpreted, if not missed completely. Likewise, a difference in opinion may well be expressed simply as ‘You’re wrong’ rather than using the more subtle approach of ‘In my opinion…’ or ‘You may be right, but…’ Although directness may seem crude, tactless and even arrogant to those of an indirect persuasion, in Israel, it is very much the accepted and appreciated norm. Furthermore, Israelis often view indirectness as difficult to read and unnecessarily polite and prefer it when people just clearly say what they think (even if it is informing you that your thighs are fat!).
Another aspect of Israeli communication is its tendency to be very expressive. A friendly discussion can quickly develop into a passionate verbal exchange with participants shouting and waving their arms in the air. Those unaccustomed to Israeli expressiveness would be forgiven for running for cover or expecting a punch-up to break out at any second. In reality, it is extremely rare for arguments to turn into physical fights and more often than not they end with smiles and friendly slaps on the back. It is often said that ‘arguing’ is an Israeli’s favorite pastime - though this may be a slight exaggeration, Israelis do value greatly the open expression of opinions. Unlike the English who tend to keep their emotions reserved and often avoid sharing an opinion that would create conflict, Israelis generally enjoy a good ‘discussion’ and will happily join in – even with complete strangers and on matters that they know little, if anything, about.
Israeli non-verbal communication (e.g. speech patterns, volume) also has its own cultural distinctiveness. Anglo-Saxon cultures generally have a preference for conversing using ‘paralleling’ speech – one person speaks and when s/he finishes the next person starts and then when they finish someone else continues, etc. Israelis tend to demonstrate ‘overlapping’ speech patterns – where one person speaks and before they have finished another person starts and so on and so forth. It is far from uncommon to observe discussions in Israel where everyone appears to be talking at the same time. Where many cultures may be very sensitive to interruptions and consider them to be rude, in Israel, interruptions are quite normal.
In relation to volume, visitors to Israel often comment that Israelis talk loudly. The issue of loudness, however, is not clear-cut and appears to depend on context. During one-to-one conversation Israelis generally do not speak more loudly than other Anglo-Saxon cultures. However, being very expressive, Israelis often do raise their voices when telling stories or arguing, and when in groups, conversation can be impressively noisy relative to other cultures (necessary perhaps to be heard above all the interruptions). Also when two parties are standing far apart, it is quite normal for Israelis to shout from a distance - whether it is across a busy street, a crowded bus, or even an office full of working people - rather than move closer and talk quietly. This trait, however, relates as much to the cultural parameter of personal boundaries as it does to communication style, as explored below.
PERSONAL BOUNDARIES – What is considered private, and what public?
As the opening quote indicates, Israeli culture is not one that adheres to strict boundaries – either in terms of personal privacy or physical space. In the US or UK, questions about marital status in a work interview is rare and would likely be interpreted as inappropriate, if not illegal. In Israel, such personal questions are really quite normal, particularly if the interviewer happens to have a single friend or relative that they want find a ‘shidduch’ (match) for. Other issues considered to be strictly private in Anglo-Saxon cultures (e.g. salaries, house/rent prices, personal relationships, even plastic surgery) tend to be acceptable subjects for public discussion in Israel.
When you enter a taxi in New York or London, you can almost guarantee that the conversation, if any, will focus on one or more of the following subjects: weather, sport, news, or general chit-chat about the area from which you have been picked up or that to which you are going. Acceptable topics are neutral and impersonal so as not to be intrusive and to avoid, at all cost, any items which may create a feeling of discomfort or embarrassment. Conversations with Israeli taxi-drivers tend to follow a distinctly more personal track with questions typically including: reasons for being in Israel, work (and salary), family in Israel, marital status (if you are not married – why, and if you are married but not pregnant – why not!). These questions are not considered particularly intrusive or offensive in the way they would be in the US or UK. In many respects Israelis treat everyone as if they are family and personal questions are viewed as being friendly, showing interest or just making conversation – nothing more, nothing less.
Physical, as well as personal, boundaries are also far less defined than they are in many other cultures. Israelis generally are very comfortable being in close proximity to each other. When using a cash machine or ‘queuing’ at the supermarket it is not uncommon to turn around and find yourself literally face-to-face with the person behind you. When clothes shopping, be aware that private changing cubicles are rarely private – assistants often enter unannounced to offer their opinion or readjust your outfit, and when you leave the cubicle momentarily, you frequently return to find another customer changing clothes amongst your items. Noise boundaries are also less restricted in Israel. Shouting across a crowded space (as previously mentioned), talking loudly on mobile phones or listening to music full volume in a public park, although unlikely to be appreciated, will generally not be considered as disturbing, rude or inconsiderate as it would in many other cultures.
People greatly differ in their response to Israeli comfort with limited boundaries and communication style. Some find the directness and ‘lack’ of personal boundaries simply shocking and can’t wait to get on the next flight out of Ben Gurion – for others, the Israeli ways are refreshingly honest, spontaneous and warm. If you find yourself falling more into the former than latter of this two categories, the strategies outlined below may well help improve your interactions with Israelis.
STRATEGIES FOR INTERACTING WITH ISRAELIS
The starting point for any effective interaction in Israel is to be aware of your own cultural orientations relative to Israeli norms. Where differences exist, it is important to resist applying your cultural assumptions to the Israeli context e.g. although you may interpret a personal question as intrusive, the Israeli asking may well just be trying to make friendly conversation with no offence intended. The more we can view an interaction from both perspectives, the easier it is to find suitable responses. In general, the following approaches to Israeli interactions can be very effective.
1. Be more direct – don’t wait to be asked, clearly communicate your needs and interests. Be assertive (which doesn’t equate with being aggressive) and if you have a reasonable request, express it plainly and unapologetically.
2. Be more expressive – if you want someone to understand how your feel, do not be afraid to show your emotions. Whatever the message - approval, disapproval, desire or disgust – avoid using subtle hints or suggestions.
3. Do not be intimidated by expressive reactions – Israelis may well shout about something emotionally one minute and have forgotten about it the next – avoid worrying too much about arguments or taking them too much to heart.
4. Learn to interrupt where necessary – if you have got something you want to say, don’t wait for a pause in the conversation or you may never speak.
5. Use humor – if asked about subjects that you are not comfortable, offer evasive answers or throw the subject back using humor. Try to keep things in perspective and avoid taking great offence – Israelis often view such a response as being inexplicably heavy.
Every person and situation is different and there is no one ‘best’ strategy for any interaction. It is important for people who struggle with Israeli interactions to try different strategies and attempt to find ones which are both effective and yet still allow them to feel comfortable. You do not have to become ‘more Israeli than the Israelis’ to do well in Israel but you may have to use responses that differ from your normal default. Though it can feel strange at first (e.g. being more direct), if effective, you will be motivated to use the different approach again and before long it will become quite automatic. It is definitely worth trying different responses – one thing you can be sure of if someone is not happy with your behavior, in Israel - they will be sure to let you know.
“Israelis simply do not have the same concept of ‘minding one’s own business’ as other nations have. In Israel, everything and everybody is everyone else’s business. If Israelis keep their bedroom windows closed while being intimate, it is for fear of being shouted at with neighborly advice." The Xenophobe’s® Guide to The Israelis (i)
How we define ‘one’s business,’ and personal boundaries in general, is largely determined by our culture. In the second ‘Understanding Culture’ article, some key characteristics of culture were described and the issue of boundaries was introduced as a cultural parameter together with communication, time, rules and authority. This third article takes a closer look at the Israeli cultural orientation towards communication and personal boundaries and will be followed by a fourth article focusing on time, rules and authority. In both these articles real-life anecdotes are shared to illustrate the consequences of cultural differences and strategies are offered to help avoid, or at least manage, the ‘challenges’ that often occur when Anglo-Saxons interact with Israelis.
COMMUNICATION STYLE – ‘Why didn’t you ask?’
My first job in Israel was a 3-month research project for a local consulting firm. Despite the pay being negligible, especially when comparing it to my previous UK salary (a most inadvisable endeavor), I was happy to find work in my field. Furthermore, I was pleased with the offer of a desk, computer, and secretarial support throughout the project. When I started, I was informed that for the first few days I should use whatever computer was free until I was given my own workstation. After a couple of weeks, no workstation had been assigned and I was already doing all my administration work myself rather than approaching the ‘less-than-obliging’ secretaries for help. After 3 months, I was still jumping between different consultants' computers and felt utterly dejected by the whole work experience. As such, I was somewhat surprised when in our final project meeting my manager offered me more work. I thanked him politely yet replied that I would rather not continue with the firm given the poor conditions and lack of support. My manager looked at me completely amazed and asked in a confused tone ‘if you wanted support, why didn’t you ask?’
This was my first lesson in the rules of Israeli communication… if you want something - ask! Simple indeed, yet at this point in my acculturation I was still ‘terribly English’ and felt uncomfortable asking for anything for fear of appearing demanding. I interpreted the lack of promised support as disrespectful and unprofessional whereas my manager, who in hindsight was a good employer, had simply been too busy to check up on the workstation issue and assumed that, as he had not heard to the contrary, I must have been happy.
Differences in communication style are the cause of many cultural conflicts between Israeli and non-Israelis. Israelis prefer to communicate in a way that is direct – very direct. Interests are mostly expressed in terms of ‘I want’ or ‘I need’ and more indirect phrases such as ‘Would it be possible’ or ‘It would nice if…’ may well be misinterpreted, if not missed completely. Likewise, a difference in opinion may well be expressed simply as ‘You’re wrong’ rather than using the more subtle approach of ‘In my opinion…’ or ‘You may be right, but…’ Although directness may seem crude, tactless and even arrogant to those of an indirect persuasion, in Israel, it is very much the accepted and appreciated norm. Furthermore, Israelis often view indirectness as difficult to read and unnecessarily polite and prefer it when people just clearly say what they think (even if it is informing you that your thighs are fat!).
Another aspect of Israeli communication is its tendency to be very expressive. A friendly discussion can quickly develop into a passionate verbal exchange with participants shouting and waving their arms in the air. Those unaccustomed to Israeli expressiveness would be forgiven for running for cover or expecting a punch-up to break out at any second. In reality, it is extremely rare for arguments to turn into physical fights and more often than not they end with smiles and friendly slaps on the back. It is often said that ‘arguing’ is an Israeli’s favorite pastime - though this may be a slight exaggeration, Israelis do value greatly the open expression of opinions. Unlike the English who tend to keep their emotions reserved and often avoid sharing an opinion that would create conflict, Israelis generally enjoy a good ‘discussion’ and will happily join in – even with complete strangers and on matters that they know little, if anything, about.
Israeli non-verbal communication (e.g. speech patterns, volume) also has its own cultural distinctiveness. Anglo-Saxon cultures generally have a preference for conversing using ‘paralleling’ speech – one person speaks and when s/he finishes the next person starts and then when they finish someone else continues, etc. Israelis tend to demonstrate ‘overlapping’ speech patterns – where one person speaks and before they have finished another person starts and so on and so forth. It is far from uncommon to observe discussions in Israel where everyone appears to be talking at the same time. Where many cultures may be very sensitive to interruptions and consider them to be rude, in Israel, interruptions are quite normal.
In relation to volume, visitors to Israel often comment that Israelis talk loudly. The issue of loudness, however, is not clear-cut and appears to depend on context. During one-to-one conversation Israelis generally do not speak more loudly than other Anglo-Saxon cultures. However, being very expressive, Israelis often do raise their voices when telling stories or arguing, and when in groups, conversation can be impressively noisy relative to other cultures (necessary perhaps to be heard above all the interruptions). Also when two parties are standing far apart, it is quite normal for Israelis to shout from a distance - whether it is across a busy street, a crowded bus, or even an office full of working people - rather than move closer and talk quietly. This trait, however, relates as much to the cultural parameter of personal boundaries as it does to communication style, as explored below.
PERSONAL BOUNDARIES – What is considered private, and what public?
As the opening quote indicates, Israeli culture is not one that adheres to strict boundaries – either in terms of personal privacy or physical space. In the US or UK, questions about marital status in a work interview is rare and would likely be interpreted as inappropriate, if not illegal. In Israel, such personal questions are really quite normal, particularly if the interviewer happens to have a single friend or relative that they want find a ‘shidduch’ (match) for. Other issues considered to be strictly private in Anglo-Saxon cultures (e.g. salaries, house/rent prices, personal relationships, even plastic surgery) tend to be acceptable subjects for public discussion in Israel.
When you enter a taxi in New York or London, you can almost guarantee that the conversation, if any, will focus on one or more of the following subjects: weather, sport, news, or general chit-chat about the area from which you have been picked up or that to which you are going. Acceptable topics are neutral and impersonal so as not to be intrusive and to avoid, at all cost, any items which may create a feeling of discomfort or embarrassment. Conversations with Israeli taxi-drivers tend to follow a distinctly more personal track with questions typically including: reasons for being in Israel, work (and salary), family in Israel, marital status (if you are not married – why, and if you are married but not pregnant – why not!). These questions are not considered particularly intrusive or offensive in the way they would be in the US or UK. In many respects Israelis treat everyone as if they are family and personal questions are viewed as being friendly, showing interest or just making conversation – nothing more, nothing less.
Physical, as well as personal, boundaries are also far less defined than they are in many other cultures. Israelis generally are very comfortable being in close proximity to each other. When using a cash machine or ‘queuing’ at the supermarket it is not uncommon to turn around and find yourself literally face-to-face with the person behind you. When clothes shopping, be aware that private changing cubicles are rarely private – assistants often enter unannounced to offer their opinion or readjust your outfit, and when you leave the cubicle momentarily, you frequently return to find another customer changing clothes amongst your items. Noise boundaries are also less restricted in Israel. Shouting across a crowded space (as previously mentioned), talking loudly on mobile phones or listening to music full volume in a public park, although unlikely to be appreciated, will generally not be considered as disturbing, rude or inconsiderate as it would in many other cultures.
People greatly differ in their response to Israeli comfort with limited boundaries and communication style. Some find the directness and ‘lack’ of personal boundaries simply shocking and can’t wait to get on the next flight out of Ben Gurion – for others, the Israeli ways are refreshingly honest, spontaneous and warm. If you find yourself falling more into the former than latter of this two categories, the strategies outlined below may well help improve your interactions with Israelis.
STRATEGIES FOR INTERACTING WITH ISRAELIS
The starting point for any effective interaction in Israel is to be aware of your own cultural orientations relative to Israeli norms. Where differences exist, it is important to resist applying your cultural assumptions to the Israeli context e.g. although you may interpret a personal question as intrusive, the Israeli asking may well just be trying to make friendly conversation with no offence intended. The more we can view an interaction from both perspectives, the easier it is to find suitable responses. In general, the following approaches to Israeli interactions can be very effective.
1. Be more direct – don’t wait to be asked, clearly communicate your needs and interests. Be assertive (which doesn’t equate with being aggressive) and if you have a reasonable request, express it plainly and unapologetically.
2. Be more expressive – if you want someone to understand how your feel, do not be afraid to show your emotions. Whatever the message - approval, disapproval, desire or disgust – avoid using subtle hints or suggestions.
3. Do not be intimidated by expressive reactions – Israelis may well shout about something emotionally one minute and have forgotten about it the next – avoid worrying too much about arguments or taking them too much to heart.
4. Learn to interrupt where necessary – if you have got something you want to say, don’t wait for a pause in the conversation or you may never speak.
5. Use humor – if asked about subjects that you are not comfortable, offer evasive answers or throw the subject back using humor. Try to keep things in perspective and avoid taking great offence – Israelis often view such a response as being inexplicably heavy.
Every person and situation is different and there is no one ‘best’ strategy for any interaction. It is important for people who struggle with Israeli interactions to try different strategies and attempt to find ones which are both effective and yet still allow them to feel comfortable. You do not have to become ‘more Israeli than the Israelis’ to do well in Israel but you may have to use responses that differ from your normal default. Though it can feel strange at first (e.g. being more direct), if effective, you will be motivated to use the different approach again and before long it will become quite automatic. It is definitely worth trying different responses – one thing you can be sure of if someone is not happy with your behavior, in Israel - they will be sure to let you know.
They're Growing Up!
Yesterday, DH came to eat lunch with me at work at the restaurant downstairs. He left me and raced to E's gan to pick him up at 13:15 (that's ONE FIFTEEN in the AFTERNOON for the military time impaired). DH called me from the gan and said, "We're standing outside the gan. You know how when all the children leave the gannenet (daycare teacher) tells the kids 'lehitraot' (trans.: 'see you later')? So E learned to say 'lehitraot'!" Then DH put E on the phone with me and told E to say it so I heard, "EE-OHHH-T!" with a little sing-song to it just like the gannenet does. Too cute!
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Y is still in the process of learning to read and is catching on fast to sounding out words that include even the vowel markings that she hasn't learned yet. Every week her school sends her home with a book from the library and I suggested she start trying to read these books herself before she goes to sleep at night rather than ME reading them to her which I did for a while. Last night, as a sleep delay tactic that I couldn't argue with, she took the latest book with her to bed and was up until at least 21:20 (that's NINE TWENTY at NIGHT) reading it. Very exciting! She was so proud of herself as I was of her and it reminded me of our TV-free years as kids when we'd read ourselves to sleep in bed every night. I hope she continues to love to read!
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Y is still in the process of learning to read and is catching on fast to sounding out words that include even the vowel markings that she hasn't learned yet. Every week her school sends her home with a book from the library and I suggested she start trying to read these books herself before she goes to sleep at night rather than ME reading them to her which I did for a while. Last night, as a sleep delay tactic that I couldn't argue with, she took the latest book with her to bed and was up until at least 21:20 (that's NINE TWENTY at NIGHT) reading it. Very exciting! She was so proud of herself as I was of her and it reminded me of our TV-free years as kids when we'd read ourselves to sleep in bed every night. I hope she continues to love to read!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Old and New and....Camels
I am lucky enough to live 7 minutes by car from work. The "ring road' that I take to get to work lies along the eastern edge of Rehovot and there is a lot of open land on both sides of the road. I have recently noted that there are ....three camels.... hangin' out over there every morning and evening. That's right. C.A.M.E.L.S. And no, NOT the cigarettes. The homely hump-backed critters that spit at you if you look at them funny. And this morning, there was a herd of sheep and goats out taking their shepherd for a walk. These camels (one of them is a baby - awwwwww) put a smile on my face every morning. There they are. A matter of a few hundred meters away from an ultra-modern hi-tech/bio-tech/science/industrial park full of tall office buildings and restaurants and banks and such. So incongruous! But then a lot about Israel is just that. A funny mix of old and new, modern and ancient, backwards and progressive, East and West - often one on top of or right next to each other. Israelis don't seem to appreciate this point but it still strikes me afresh at times.
Understanding Culture - Part 2 of 4
By: Katrina Jacobs
After providing a basic definition of culture and its influences on us, this article outlines the basic Israeli cultural orientation with suggestions for how to orient oneself more successfully to the cultural reality in Israel.
After completing Ulpan Etzion, I courageously left the familiarity of Jerusalem to find work in Tel Aviv. Having grown up in the UK, I was excited by the prospect of moving near a sunny beach and decided to buy a bikini to celebrate. I entered a shop on Ibn Gvirol where the sales assistant, busy talking on her mobile phone and writing in a book, acknowledged my presence by nodding and shaking her hand in the direction of the costumes.
I picked out a bikini and went behind the curtain in the corner to try it on. Whilst in the middle of changing, the assistant put her head through the curtain offering help and insisting that I come out of the ‘cubicle’ to look in the mirror. I felt somewhat uncomfortable exposing my bikini-clad body in middle of the shop (and to all of Ibn Gvirol through the large glass window) but ventured out, as there appeared to be no other choice.
Looking at my reflection, I heard the assistant make a loud tutting sound. Then, without warning, she grabbed the bikini bottom lifting it higher on my leg and placed her hand down my bikini top to re-adjust its position. Shaking her head she then pointed to my thighs and said, with a genuinely sympathetic tone, ‘I’m fat there too’. Astounded by the assistant’s ‘helpfulness’, I rushed to get dressed and leave the shop quickly, politely declining the offers of more flattering costumes.
Rude or honest, intrusive or helpful, humiliating or entertaining - what would be your reaction to this shopping experience? Having previously bought swimwear only in the comfort of Marks and Spencer’s, I was personally horrified. I left the shop asking myself if it was practical to live in Israel yet do all my clothes shopping on visits to the UK or should I simply never wear a swimming costume again for fear of offending passers-by with my thighs?
Had I had more experience in Israel I may have understood that the assistant’s directness was much more to do with culture than it was to do with clothes size. In fact many elements of this story reflect cultural orientations. The unannounced cubicle entrance and costume re-adjustment are classic examples of Israelis' concept of personal space (or lack of it) whereas I saw it as intrusive boarding on physical molestation. Even the assistant’s reception, nodding to me whilst talking on her phone and writing, illustrates the strong tendency of Israelis to multi-task and may not have just been bad customer service as I initially judged.
Understanding culture offers us an opportunity to better interpret the daily interactions we have living in Israel. This article, the first of the ‘Understanding Culture’ series, offers an introduction to culture and Israeli cultural orientations and describes briefly how to assess whether your cultural profile is likely to clash or be compatible with Israeli norms.
What is Culture?
Many people think of culture in terms of the behaviours you see among people from a particular country e.g. dress, manners, language, and gestures. This perspective, although partly correct, is too simplistic to capture accurately the key characteristics of culture.
Firstly, culture is expressed at different levels. The behaviours that we first notice when arriving in Israel only represent the outer cultural layer. Culture not only influences how we dress, speak, act but more importantly how we view the world - what we consider to be normal and abnormal, what behaviours we reward and which we reject. These cultural assumptions and values, which we cannot see and are usually not even aware of, underlie much of our culturally determined behaviour. For example, the Israeli tendency to express opinions and emotions, a clearly visible behaviour, reflects the hidden assumption in Israel that expressive communication is better, or at least more effective, than being reserved.
Secondly, culture is a group not a national phenomenon. We are influenced by the national culture of the country where we grow up, however, other groups to which we belong also impact our cultural identity e.g. being Jewish, belonging to a youth movement, professional group, social class etc. You may find that despite the vast cultural differences you have with some Israelis, there may be others with similar religious, interest or youth group affiliations that you have much in common with despite growing up in different countries.
Another common misperception is that culture is inherited where, in fact, it is learnt. No Israeli is born with a gene that dictates they should drive at lightning speed and never let another driver overtake. Cultural values and assumptions are learnt at an early age from our social surroundings - we are taught what will be effective and valued in the environment that we live in. On making Aliyah we suddenly find that the rules of the game have changed - what worked in our previous culture is often ineffective or even disrespected in Israel.
Take the issue of attention to details. I was educated to thoroughly check the appearance of a piece of work before presenting it. This trait, which was highly valued when I worked in Britain, was suddenly redefined as ‘unnecessarily precise’ and ‘ineffectively slow’ in Israel where the content and speed of delivery is valued more than the aesthetics. Just take a look at English menus in Israel - do they really mean to offer ‘pee sop’ (pea soup) or ‘pie-nipple’ tart (pineapple). Where I found menu spelling astonishing, my Israeli friends couldn’t relate. In their opinion if the general idea is clear, why waste time on the finer details.
Another thing worth noting is that one’s culture, at least the deeper levels, is difficult to change. We can easily modify our outer behaviours e.g. wearing jeans to work rather than suits; however, our values and assumptions are firmly rooted. I know many olim (immigrants) from Britain (where queuing is a national pastime) who say they still have a reflex rise in blood pressure when someone pushes in front of them despite having lived in Israel for decades.
So should we just give up hope? If we are always going to be tied to the culture that we grew up with can we ever survive and enjoy Israeli culture? The answer, I believe, is yes. You don’t have to become more Israeli than the Israelis to be effective in Israel. What is important is to be aware of Israeli cultural orientations in order that we can more accurately interpret our interactions with Israelis and respond appropriately.
Israeli Cultural Orientations
Some people argue that the mix of different subcultures in Israel is so great that it is impossible to talk of a single Israeli culture. There are, however, a number of cultural orientations that have been identified by comparing the attitudes and assumptions of groups from Israel with like groups from around the world e.g. comparing Israeli IBM employees with similar IBM employees from different countries. From the many cultural orientations identified, five orientations are highlighted below describing key areas where Israeli culture tends to differ quite substantially relative to cultures of many Anglo-Saxon countries.
Before reading on it is essential to note that the orientations below reflect tendencies within Israeli culture relative to other cultures and are generalizations rather than hard and fast rules true for all Israelis. It is also important to understand that although it is easy to be ethnocentric (view the characteristics of our own group as superior to others) there is no absolute right or wrong when it comes to culture. Cultures develop to meet the needs of the particular group and environment and where some orientations may be more effective than others in certain contexts it doesn’t make them universally better.
Communication Style
Israeli culture tends to be very direct, expressive and informal in their communication style. Israeli ‘dugri’ (straight talk) is world famous with Israelis winning the global prize for saying what they think whatever the circumstances. This style can be interpreted as refreshingly honest, to the point, spontaneous and warm. However people coming from cultures that tend to favour indirect, reserved and more formal communication often view the way that Israelis communicate as rude, tactless, inappropriate and arrogant.
Personal Boundaries
Israelis tends to be very comfortable with limited personal boundaries both in terms of physical space and personal privacy. The fact that someone may almost stand on top of you at the cash dispenser or ask questions about your love life and salary on a first encounter is quite normal in Israel. As a person who likes to keep her private life private and is quite happy to avoid excessive physicality with strangers (especially during Israeli summers), this orientation can take some getting used to.
Time
Israelis tend to have a multi-focused, fluid approach to time. They have a natural ability to do many things simultaneously e.g. discussing business deals on mobile phones in the park while eating lunch and entertaining their kids on a climbing frame. Israelis also prefer to deal flexibly with issues as they arise rather than having a ‘plan the work, work the plan’ attitude. For cultures that prefer to deal with one thing at a time and value fixed schedules and appointments, the Israeli alternative approach to time management can sometimes seem disorganised and unprofessional.
Rules
Where some cultures view rules as utterly fixed and always to be followed, Israelis tend to see rules more as general guidelines to be tested where necessary. Understanding the concept of ‘frier’ (sucker) is central to survival in Israel. In contrast to my ‘serve and obey’ school motto, the Israeli ‘don’t be a frier’ motto respects those that cleverly play the system but lacks sympathy for people who allow themselves to be taken advantage of. When it comes to the rules of parking, queuing, ‘fixed prices’ etc everything is up for negotiation.
Authority
Israeli culture tends to view people equally rather than give special treatment according to status. In some countries class dictates who you are and where your appropriate place in society lies. In Israel everyone feels they have the right to do what they want and to express an opinion (or three) - road sweeper and powerful CEO alike. Although honourably equalitarian, the resulting ease with which Israelis challenge hierarchy and authority is often misinterpreted as inappropriate, arrogant or disrespectful.
Culture Clash or Cultural Compatibility
To what extent do these cultural orientations sound familiar from your Israeli experience? For many olim, every item has a deafening ring of truth about it - other olim, however, find certain orientations familiar yet others less so. As mentioned before, everyone has their own cultural profile and it may not necessarily reflect the orientations of the national culture where they grew up. How similar your personal (rather than your national) cultural profile is to the Israeli profile defines the extent to which you are likely to clash or be compatible with Israel culture.
If you struggled with the excessive formality, uptight politeness and the strict privacy characteristic of your previous culture you may well find the informality, spontaneity and warmth of Israel refreshing and compatible with your personal cultural orientations. I, alternatively, felt very comfortable with my English ways when I stepped off the plane at Ben Gurion and was far from prepared for the cultural challenges that lay ahead. Understanding culture enabled me to identify that the clashes that I first experienced in Israel were often cultural and not personal. Furthermore I can now appreciate that many of the ‘Israeli ways’ have value and are more effective in the Israeli context than my previous cultural approach. The honesty of clothing shop assistants that I once found horrific I now find ‘helpful’ even if I do still prefer to bikini shop in Marks and Spencer’s.
After providing a basic definition of culture and its influences on us, this article outlines the basic Israeli cultural orientation with suggestions for how to orient oneself more successfully to the cultural reality in Israel.
After completing Ulpan Etzion, I courageously left the familiarity of Jerusalem to find work in Tel Aviv. Having grown up in the UK, I was excited by the prospect of moving near a sunny beach and decided to buy a bikini to celebrate. I entered a shop on Ibn Gvirol where the sales assistant, busy talking on her mobile phone and writing in a book, acknowledged my presence by nodding and shaking her hand in the direction of the costumes.
I picked out a bikini and went behind the curtain in the corner to try it on. Whilst in the middle of changing, the assistant put her head through the curtain offering help and insisting that I come out of the ‘cubicle’ to look in the mirror. I felt somewhat uncomfortable exposing my bikini-clad body in middle of the shop (and to all of Ibn Gvirol through the large glass window) but ventured out, as there appeared to be no other choice.
Looking at my reflection, I heard the assistant make a loud tutting sound. Then, without warning, she grabbed the bikini bottom lifting it higher on my leg and placed her hand down my bikini top to re-adjust its position. Shaking her head she then pointed to my thighs and said, with a genuinely sympathetic tone, ‘I’m fat there too’. Astounded by the assistant’s ‘helpfulness’, I rushed to get dressed and leave the shop quickly, politely declining the offers of more flattering costumes.
Rude or honest, intrusive or helpful, humiliating or entertaining - what would be your reaction to this shopping experience? Having previously bought swimwear only in the comfort of Marks and Spencer’s, I was personally horrified. I left the shop asking myself if it was practical to live in Israel yet do all my clothes shopping on visits to the UK or should I simply never wear a swimming costume again for fear of offending passers-by with my thighs?
Had I had more experience in Israel I may have understood that the assistant’s directness was much more to do with culture than it was to do with clothes size. In fact many elements of this story reflect cultural orientations. The unannounced cubicle entrance and costume re-adjustment are classic examples of Israelis' concept of personal space (or lack of it) whereas I saw it as intrusive boarding on physical molestation. Even the assistant’s reception, nodding to me whilst talking on her phone and writing, illustrates the strong tendency of Israelis to multi-task and may not have just been bad customer service as I initially judged.
Understanding culture offers us an opportunity to better interpret the daily interactions we have living in Israel. This article, the first of the ‘Understanding Culture’ series, offers an introduction to culture and Israeli cultural orientations and describes briefly how to assess whether your cultural profile is likely to clash or be compatible with Israeli norms.
What is Culture?
Many people think of culture in terms of the behaviours you see among people from a particular country e.g. dress, manners, language, and gestures. This perspective, although partly correct, is too simplistic to capture accurately the key characteristics of culture.
Firstly, culture is expressed at different levels. The behaviours that we first notice when arriving in Israel only represent the outer cultural layer. Culture not only influences how we dress, speak, act but more importantly how we view the world - what we consider to be normal and abnormal, what behaviours we reward and which we reject. These cultural assumptions and values, which we cannot see and are usually not even aware of, underlie much of our culturally determined behaviour. For example, the Israeli tendency to express opinions and emotions, a clearly visible behaviour, reflects the hidden assumption in Israel that expressive communication is better, or at least more effective, than being reserved.
Secondly, culture is a group not a national phenomenon. We are influenced by the national culture of the country where we grow up, however, other groups to which we belong also impact our cultural identity e.g. being Jewish, belonging to a youth movement, professional group, social class etc. You may find that despite the vast cultural differences you have with some Israelis, there may be others with similar religious, interest or youth group affiliations that you have much in common with despite growing up in different countries.
Another common misperception is that culture is inherited where, in fact, it is learnt. No Israeli is born with a gene that dictates they should drive at lightning speed and never let another driver overtake. Cultural values and assumptions are learnt at an early age from our social surroundings - we are taught what will be effective and valued in the environment that we live in. On making Aliyah we suddenly find that the rules of the game have changed - what worked in our previous culture is often ineffective or even disrespected in Israel.
Take the issue of attention to details. I was educated to thoroughly check the appearance of a piece of work before presenting it. This trait, which was highly valued when I worked in Britain, was suddenly redefined as ‘unnecessarily precise’ and ‘ineffectively slow’ in Israel where the content and speed of delivery is valued more than the aesthetics. Just take a look at English menus in Israel - do they really mean to offer ‘pee sop’ (pea soup) or ‘pie-nipple’ tart (pineapple). Where I found menu spelling astonishing, my Israeli friends couldn’t relate. In their opinion if the general idea is clear, why waste time on the finer details.
Another thing worth noting is that one’s culture, at least the deeper levels, is difficult to change. We can easily modify our outer behaviours e.g. wearing jeans to work rather than suits; however, our values and assumptions are firmly rooted. I know many olim (immigrants) from Britain (where queuing is a national pastime) who say they still have a reflex rise in blood pressure when someone pushes in front of them despite having lived in Israel for decades.
So should we just give up hope? If we are always going to be tied to the culture that we grew up with can we ever survive and enjoy Israeli culture? The answer, I believe, is yes. You don’t have to become more Israeli than the Israelis to be effective in Israel. What is important is to be aware of Israeli cultural orientations in order that we can more accurately interpret our interactions with Israelis and respond appropriately.
Israeli Cultural Orientations
Some people argue that the mix of different subcultures in Israel is so great that it is impossible to talk of a single Israeli culture. There are, however, a number of cultural orientations that have been identified by comparing the attitudes and assumptions of groups from Israel with like groups from around the world e.g. comparing Israeli IBM employees with similar IBM employees from different countries. From the many cultural orientations identified, five orientations are highlighted below describing key areas where Israeli culture tends to differ quite substantially relative to cultures of many Anglo-Saxon countries.
Before reading on it is essential to note that the orientations below reflect tendencies within Israeli culture relative to other cultures and are generalizations rather than hard and fast rules true for all Israelis. It is also important to understand that although it is easy to be ethnocentric (view the characteristics of our own group as superior to others) there is no absolute right or wrong when it comes to culture. Cultures develop to meet the needs of the particular group and environment and where some orientations may be more effective than others in certain contexts it doesn’t make them universally better.
Communication Style
Israeli culture tends to be very direct, expressive and informal in their communication style. Israeli ‘dugri’ (straight talk) is world famous with Israelis winning the global prize for saying what they think whatever the circumstances. This style can be interpreted as refreshingly honest, to the point, spontaneous and warm. However people coming from cultures that tend to favour indirect, reserved and more formal communication often view the way that Israelis communicate as rude, tactless, inappropriate and arrogant.
Personal Boundaries
Israelis tends to be very comfortable with limited personal boundaries both in terms of physical space and personal privacy. The fact that someone may almost stand on top of you at the cash dispenser or ask questions about your love life and salary on a first encounter is quite normal in Israel. As a person who likes to keep her private life private and is quite happy to avoid excessive physicality with strangers (especially during Israeli summers), this orientation can take some getting used to.
Time
Israelis tend to have a multi-focused, fluid approach to time. They have a natural ability to do many things simultaneously e.g. discussing business deals on mobile phones in the park while eating lunch and entertaining their kids on a climbing frame. Israelis also prefer to deal flexibly with issues as they arise rather than having a ‘plan the work, work the plan’ attitude. For cultures that prefer to deal with one thing at a time and value fixed schedules and appointments, the Israeli alternative approach to time management can sometimes seem disorganised and unprofessional.
Rules
Where some cultures view rules as utterly fixed and always to be followed, Israelis tend to see rules more as general guidelines to be tested where necessary. Understanding the concept of ‘frier’ (sucker) is central to survival in Israel. In contrast to my ‘serve and obey’ school motto, the Israeli ‘don’t be a frier’ motto respects those that cleverly play the system but lacks sympathy for people who allow themselves to be taken advantage of. When it comes to the rules of parking, queuing, ‘fixed prices’ etc everything is up for negotiation.
Authority
Israeli culture tends to view people equally rather than give special treatment according to status. In some countries class dictates who you are and where your appropriate place in society lies. In Israel everyone feels they have the right to do what they want and to express an opinion (or three) - road sweeper and powerful CEO alike. Although honourably equalitarian, the resulting ease with which Israelis challenge hierarchy and authority is often misinterpreted as inappropriate, arrogant or disrespectful.
Culture Clash or Cultural Compatibility
To what extent do these cultural orientations sound familiar from your Israeli experience? For many olim, every item has a deafening ring of truth about it - other olim, however, find certain orientations familiar yet others less so. As mentioned before, everyone has their own cultural profile and it may not necessarily reflect the orientations of the national culture where they grew up. How similar your personal (rather than your national) cultural profile is to the Israeli profile defines the extent to which you are likely to clash or be compatible with Israel culture.
If you struggled with the excessive formality, uptight politeness and the strict privacy characteristic of your previous culture you may well find the informality, spontaneity and warmth of Israel refreshing and compatible with your personal cultural orientations. I, alternatively, felt very comfortable with my English ways when I stepped off the plane at Ben Gurion and was far from prepared for the cultural challenges that lay ahead. Understanding culture enabled me to identify that the clashes that I first experienced in Israel were often cultural and not personal. Furthermore I can now appreciate that many of the ‘Israeli ways’ have value and are more effective in the Israeli context than my previous cultural approach. The honesty of clothing shop assistants that I once found horrific I now find ‘helpful’ even if I do still prefer to bikini shop in Marks and Spencer’s.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Cuture Shock - Part 1 of 4
I decided to post this very thorough and thoughtful article written by Katrina Jacobs in the hope that maybe it will help someone else considering aliyah. She writes as follows:
"Two years after moving to Israel, when even simple activities such as going to the bank or supermarket still presented a formidable challenge to my patience and sanity, I began to seriously question my Aliyah. Had I missed the Habonim camp where they taught us that in Israel the ‘bureaucracy game’ is in fact no game at all but a daily reality? Where was I during the Wizo coffee morning that discussed ‘Israeli warmth - intrusive questioning about marital status - often by complete strangers’?
With the comfort and efficiency of England very much in mind, I decided that life was too short to invest all my energy fighting Israeli landlords, employers, and drivers, and I began planning my return to the UK. The international company that I worked for agreed to transfer my job to the UK but requested that, while still overseas, I research and develop a relocation service to help expatriates deal with cultural transitions.
Despite having moved cultures myself, this project was the first time that I was really exposed to the concept of culture and its impact on how we view and interact with different cultures. Through cross-cultural research I discovered that many of my negative perceptions of Israelis were not wholly accurate and I was, in fact, suffering from a severe case of culture shock - a normal process that all people go through when crossing cultures.
Furthermore, I learnt that with information and practical strategies much can be done to minimize culture shock. The following article offers an insight into the process of crossing cultures, focusing particularly on culture shock - its sources, symptoms, and solutions, to help us deal more effectively with life in Israel.
What Happens When We Cross Cultures
Everyone knows that making Aliyah involves moving to a different culture - but few of us actually understand the extent to which cultural gaps can have an impact on our life in Israel. When people move to a different culture they pass through a number of phases called the Cycle of Cross Cultural Adaptation. These phases are outlined below, relating specifically to the experience of new oleh moving to Israel.
The first phase, euphoria, occurs on arrival to a new culture. This period is characterised by feelings of excitement and enthusiasm for new culture and people. Differences are seen as interesting and fun. I sometimes refer to this period as the Absorption Centre stage. Although it may be shorter or longer than the few months spent at a ‘Mercaz Klita,’ (Absorption Center for new immigrants) it is a sheltered and supported time where there is little expectation or need to deal with many of the real challenges inherent in Israeli life.
Unfortunately, euphoria tends to be relatively short and is followed by a gradual decline in mood as the new oleh enters culture shock. This second stage is characterised by a feelings of frustration, confusion, disorientation or just plain incompetence. Olim often feel overwhelmed by newness of sights, sounds, and behaviours that they are confronted with. Although many of the things are not entirely new, they may have a different meaning in Israel relative to our previous culture (e.g. concept of queuing, personal space, eating humus) and our responses don’t always produce expected or wanted results.
As time passes and the experience of Israel grows, olim move into acculturation where they learn and adjust to the different norms and values of the new Israeli culture. Language improves, enabling more effective communication; there is a reduced feeling of alienation and self-confidence and competence increases. Life in Israel becomes more enjoyable and a sense of humour, which often disappears during culture shock, returns.
Last, but by no means least, olim arrive at the final stable state phase where they feel more stable and settled in Israel. This stage is considered a more permanent level of adjustment where they are able to function effectively and have a more objective, balanced view of the Israeli culture.
Although described separately, in reality, the four phases are not totally distinct, e.g. during euphoria there can also be moments of disorientation and during culture shock one can still experience great highs. One thing often commented on by many olim is the extent and extreme of mood swings during the initial Aliyah period - often they feel a great love for or deep frustration with Israel many times in the space of one day, if not a single hour.
It is also important to note that even though most people pass through the different phases, the length of time spent in each varies greatly depending on an individual’s personality and circumstances. Common to all, however, is the fact that the process of crossing cultures - particularly the ‘make or break’ culture shock phase - can be managed with the correct understanding, motivation and strategies.
Understanding Culture Shock
Historically culture shock was documented in medical journals as a debilitating (and potentially terminal!) disease caught by those suddenly transported abroad. Today, culture shock is understood to be a very natural response, a form of stress experienced by people going to live in a new culture.
For many olim (immigrants) - culture shock is neither fully expected nor recognised. After all, Israeli culture involves many customs and traditions more closely related to the cultures that we grew up in e.g. Shabbat, Festivals, and Kashrut. Furthermore, most people making Aliyah have visited Israel before, often numerous times, and as such feel they are already familiar with and accustomed to the Israeli ways.
Expectations aside, the experience of living in Israel is often a far cry from relaxing holidays in Tel Aviv or summers on kibbutz. The day-to-day reality regularly involves Israeli ‘dugri’ (e.g. unnecessary comments on your hair when you’re more than aware that you’re having a bad hair day), banking inefficiency, crazy driving - all this and more without even mentioning Bituach Leumi (National Insurance offices) and Misrad Hapanim (Ministry of the Interior) bureaucracy.
Faced with these ‘challenges’, olim often make broad judgements either about the inferiority of the Israeli system or population (‘why can’t they just sort it out!’) or their own personal incompetence (‘why is this person shouting at me - what did I do?’). Without actively looking at culture, we fail to see that many of our responses e.g. rejecting the new culture or feeling overwhelmed, are universal reactions to culture shock and not Israel or person specific.
Culture shock can be understood as a form of stress experienced by people facing the demands of living in a new culture without yet having developed the necessary coping skills. Stress occurs in general when the perceived pressures and demands (e.g. moving house, changing job, going overseas, separation from loved ones) placed upon a person exceed their perceived ability to cope. Given that Aliyah involves many general stressful events plus the additional specific demands of learning a new language and cultural rules, it is hardly surprising that culture shock occurs.
How culture shock shows itself varies across individuals. Symptoms of culture shock frequently reported include: frustration, feeling incompetent, lack of confidence, anger, anxiety, disorientation, withdrawal, loss of identity, role confusion, stomach pains, headaches, tiredness, rejection of Israeli culture and idealisation of the previous culture. Have you ever felt frustrated or stupid for not being able to express yourself clearly in Hebrew or follow the conversation of a group of Israelis? Did you ever want to scream when someone at the deli counter states their order loudly above yours when they clearly arrived after you? How about having exaggerated memories that services are always efficient and people are always polite in your previous culture relative to the backward Israeli systems where everyone is either rude or trying to rip you off. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms to a greater extent than you did prior to moving to Israel then you are likely to be going through culture shock.
Strategies for Managing Culture Shock
As mentioned, culture shock, disturbing as it can feel at times, is not terminal and can be effectively managed. The following practical tips with examples can be helpful in minimizing the negative effects of culture shock and speeding up the acculturation process.
Manage expectations
Our expectations affect how we interpret events and what we feel about others and ourselves. Being realistic about what you expect of yourself and believe is expected of you can greatly reduce stress e.g. learning Hebrew takes time - one should not expect to be fluent on the first day - furthermore, Israel is an immigrant country and has an incredibly high tolerance for accents and language imperfections so there is no need to worry about making mistakes.
Be assertive and communicative
Being able to express your needs and say no when necessary are essential survival skills for Israeli life. Generally in Israel if you have something to say - you say it. As such, people don’t assume you want or need something unless you communicate it. Clearly stating your interests at the outset tends to be more appreciated and effective than polite hints or subtle gestures. Although it is important to learn Hebrew - English can, at times, also be used very effectively.
Recognise what can and cannot be controlled
Or in other words ‘pick your fights’ - it is usually a waste of time and energy to try to change key Israeli systems or ‘educating’ Israelis. Certain things are possible and important to address but it is also important to know when to let things go - in many cases things aren't important or can't or don’t need to be changed (its just our perception coming from a different culture that it would be done better ‘our’ way).
Develop and maintain social support
Sharing experiences or just being with people that you feel comfortable with are a huge resource for dealing with culture shock. Often we underestimate the impact of not having the network of friends and family that we grew up with and so it is worth making an extra effort to develop new networks both personally and professionally to feel more settled.
Establish stability zones
These are positive routines or habits we have to help us relax, unwind and generally make us feel good. Taking time out each day to do something familiar and enjoyable e.g. listening to music, watching a particular TV programme, taking an exercise class, cooking, art etc can be a wonderful and much needed break from the stress of settling in a new culture.
Get involved with Israeli culture / learn Hebrew
Knowledge is power - the more you know the more comfortable you will feel. Tempting as it to withdraw wholly into the comfort zones of our own cultural world - it is essential also to dive into Israeli culture and learn the language. The more you are familiar with the entertainment, music, sport, customs etc. in Israel, the easier it is to enjoy them and feel part of the country.
Maintain a sense of humour and perspective
Keeping things in perspective and being able to laugh rather than cry at certain testing situations are both good strategies for dealing with culture shock. Standing back from a scenario and asking ‘Is this my problem? Is this really important?’ can help us see situations as sometimes more funny than frustrating.
Different strategies work for different people. By identifying the things that we find most challenging and finding effective strategies to counteract these, we can pass through culture shock and enjoy the many positive aspects of Israeli culture. Understanding more about culture has helped me to change my perspective from a point of extreme frustration and disillusionment to one where I can appreciate all the amazing things about life in crazy country. I’ve now even learnt to supermarket shop with a smile - but I wouldn’t recommend trying to push in front of me."
"Two years after moving to Israel, when even simple activities such as going to the bank or supermarket still presented a formidable challenge to my patience and sanity, I began to seriously question my Aliyah. Had I missed the Habonim camp where they taught us that in Israel the ‘bureaucracy game’ is in fact no game at all but a daily reality? Where was I during the Wizo coffee morning that discussed ‘Israeli warmth - intrusive questioning about marital status - often by complete strangers’?
With the comfort and efficiency of England very much in mind, I decided that life was too short to invest all my energy fighting Israeli landlords, employers, and drivers, and I began planning my return to the UK. The international company that I worked for agreed to transfer my job to the UK but requested that, while still overseas, I research and develop a relocation service to help expatriates deal with cultural transitions.
Despite having moved cultures myself, this project was the first time that I was really exposed to the concept of culture and its impact on how we view and interact with different cultures. Through cross-cultural research I discovered that many of my negative perceptions of Israelis were not wholly accurate and I was, in fact, suffering from a severe case of culture shock - a normal process that all people go through when crossing cultures.
Furthermore, I learnt that with information and practical strategies much can be done to minimize culture shock. The following article offers an insight into the process of crossing cultures, focusing particularly on culture shock - its sources, symptoms, and solutions, to help us deal more effectively with life in Israel.
What Happens When We Cross Cultures
Everyone knows that making Aliyah involves moving to a different culture - but few of us actually understand the extent to which cultural gaps can have an impact on our life in Israel. When people move to a different culture they pass through a number of phases called the Cycle of Cross Cultural Adaptation. These phases are outlined below, relating specifically to the experience of new oleh moving to Israel.
The first phase, euphoria, occurs on arrival to a new culture. This period is characterised by feelings of excitement and enthusiasm for new culture and people. Differences are seen as interesting and fun. I sometimes refer to this period as the Absorption Centre stage. Although it may be shorter or longer than the few months spent at a ‘Mercaz Klita,’ (Absorption Center for new immigrants) it is a sheltered and supported time where there is little expectation or need to deal with many of the real challenges inherent in Israeli life.
Unfortunately, euphoria tends to be relatively short and is followed by a gradual decline in mood as the new oleh enters culture shock. This second stage is characterised by a feelings of frustration, confusion, disorientation or just plain incompetence. Olim often feel overwhelmed by newness of sights, sounds, and behaviours that they are confronted with. Although many of the things are not entirely new, they may have a different meaning in Israel relative to our previous culture (e.g. concept of queuing, personal space, eating humus) and our responses don’t always produce expected or wanted results.
As time passes and the experience of Israel grows, olim move into acculturation where they learn and adjust to the different norms and values of the new Israeli culture. Language improves, enabling more effective communication; there is a reduced feeling of alienation and self-confidence and competence increases. Life in Israel becomes more enjoyable and a sense of humour, which often disappears during culture shock, returns.
Last, but by no means least, olim arrive at the final stable state phase where they feel more stable and settled in Israel. This stage is considered a more permanent level of adjustment where they are able to function effectively and have a more objective, balanced view of the Israeli culture.
Although described separately, in reality, the four phases are not totally distinct, e.g. during euphoria there can also be moments of disorientation and during culture shock one can still experience great highs. One thing often commented on by many olim is the extent and extreme of mood swings during the initial Aliyah period - often they feel a great love for or deep frustration with Israel many times in the space of one day, if not a single hour.
It is also important to note that even though most people pass through the different phases, the length of time spent in each varies greatly depending on an individual’s personality and circumstances. Common to all, however, is the fact that the process of crossing cultures - particularly the ‘make or break’ culture shock phase - can be managed with the correct understanding, motivation and strategies.
Understanding Culture Shock
Historically culture shock was documented in medical journals as a debilitating (and potentially terminal!) disease caught by those suddenly transported abroad. Today, culture shock is understood to be a very natural response, a form of stress experienced by people going to live in a new culture.
For many olim (immigrants) - culture shock is neither fully expected nor recognised. After all, Israeli culture involves many customs and traditions more closely related to the cultures that we grew up in e.g. Shabbat, Festivals, and Kashrut. Furthermore, most people making Aliyah have visited Israel before, often numerous times, and as such feel they are already familiar with and accustomed to the Israeli ways.
Expectations aside, the experience of living in Israel is often a far cry from relaxing holidays in Tel Aviv or summers on kibbutz. The day-to-day reality regularly involves Israeli ‘dugri’ (e.g. unnecessary comments on your hair when you’re more than aware that you’re having a bad hair day), banking inefficiency, crazy driving - all this and more without even mentioning Bituach Leumi (National Insurance offices) and Misrad Hapanim (Ministry of the Interior) bureaucracy.
Faced with these ‘challenges’, olim often make broad judgements either about the inferiority of the Israeli system or population (‘why can’t they just sort it out!’) or their own personal incompetence (‘why is this person shouting at me - what did I do?’). Without actively looking at culture, we fail to see that many of our responses e.g. rejecting the new culture or feeling overwhelmed, are universal reactions to culture shock and not Israel or person specific.
Culture shock can be understood as a form of stress experienced by people facing the demands of living in a new culture without yet having developed the necessary coping skills. Stress occurs in general when the perceived pressures and demands (e.g. moving house, changing job, going overseas, separation from loved ones) placed upon a person exceed their perceived ability to cope. Given that Aliyah involves many general stressful events plus the additional specific demands of learning a new language and cultural rules, it is hardly surprising that culture shock occurs.
How culture shock shows itself varies across individuals. Symptoms of culture shock frequently reported include: frustration, feeling incompetent, lack of confidence, anger, anxiety, disorientation, withdrawal, loss of identity, role confusion, stomach pains, headaches, tiredness, rejection of Israeli culture and idealisation of the previous culture. Have you ever felt frustrated or stupid for not being able to express yourself clearly in Hebrew or follow the conversation of a group of Israelis? Did you ever want to scream when someone at the deli counter states their order loudly above yours when they clearly arrived after you? How about having exaggerated memories that services are always efficient and people are always polite in your previous culture relative to the backward Israeli systems where everyone is either rude or trying to rip you off. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms to a greater extent than you did prior to moving to Israel then you are likely to be going through culture shock.
Strategies for Managing Culture Shock
As mentioned, culture shock, disturbing as it can feel at times, is not terminal and can be effectively managed. The following practical tips with examples can be helpful in minimizing the negative effects of culture shock and speeding up the acculturation process.
Manage expectations
Our expectations affect how we interpret events and what we feel about others and ourselves. Being realistic about what you expect of yourself and believe is expected of you can greatly reduce stress e.g. learning Hebrew takes time - one should not expect to be fluent on the first day - furthermore, Israel is an immigrant country and has an incredibly high tolerance for accents and language imperfections so there is no need to worry about making mistakes.
Be assertive and communicative
Being able to express your needs and say no when necessary are essential survival skills for Israeli life. Generally in Israel if you have something to say - you say it. As such, people don’t assume you want or need something unless you communicate it. Clearly stating your interests at the outset tends to be more appreciated and effective than polite hints or subtle gestures. Although it is important to learn Hebrew - English can, at times, also be used very effectively.
Recognise what can and cannot be controlled
Or in other words ‘pick your fights’ - it is usually a waste of time and energy to try to change key Israeli systems or ‘educating’ Israelis. Certain things are possible and important to address but it is also important to know when to let things go - in many cases things aren't important or can't or don’t need to be changed (its just our perception coming from a different culture that it would be done better ‘our’ way).
Develop and maintain social support
Sharing experiences or just being with people that you feel comfortable with are a huge resource for dealing with culture shock. Often we underestimate the impact of not having the network of friends and family that we grew up with and so it is worth making an extra effort to develop new networks both personally and professionally to feel more settled.
Establish stability zones
These are positive routines or habits we have to help us relax, unwind and generally make us feel good. Taking time out each day to do something familiar and enjoyable e.g. listening to music, watching a particular TV programme, taking an exercise class, cooking, art etc can be a wonderful and much needed break from the stress of settling in a new culture.
Get involved with Israeli culture / learn Hebrew
Knowledge is power - the more you know the more comfortable you will feel. Tempting as it to withdraw wholly into the comfort zones of our own cultural world - it is essential also to dive into Israeli culture and learn the language. The more you are familiar with the entertainment, music, sport, customs etc. in Israel, the easier it is to enjoy them and feel part of the country.
Maintain a sense of humour and perspective
Keeping things in perspective and being able to laugh rather than cry at certain testing situations are both good strategies for dealing with culture shock. Standing back from a scenario and asking ‘Is this my problem? Is this really important?’ can help us see situations as sometimes more funny than frustrating.
Different strategies work for different people. By identifying the things that we find most challenging and finding effective strategies to counteract these, we can pass through culture shock and enjoy the many positive aspects of Israeli culture. Understanding more about culture has helped me to change my perspective from a point of extreme frustration and disillusionment to one where I can appreciate all the amazing things about life in crazy country. I’ve now even learnt to supermarket shop with a smile - but I wouldn’t recommend trying to push in front of me."
Monday, January 10, 2011
24 Reasons Why I Like Living Here...and Will You Be Dying Today or Won't You??
Ok. So here's the thing. I've been here 16 years (and counting) and have long since come down off my Zionism-induced high and am left with the prosaic realities of the ups and downs of this crazy place - that somehow works (go figure!).
As with most things/people, it's incredibly easy to find all the faults and stuff to moan about - all the "warts". I'm finding it MUCH harder as time goes by to hang on to the "gems". But I don't want to put people off from coming (which - thinking long-term - only goes to make my life easier if more people like me DO come) nor do I want to be like the Biblical spies who were sent by Moses to spy out the Land of Israel before the Israelites entered it and came back with a bad report for which they were punished by G-d.
So I have set myself a project. Let's see how many GOOD points for living here I can think of. This may be an ongoing work-in-process, but here's what I came up with off the top of my head:
1) We're NOT a minority any more.....YAY! That home-y feeling....
2) Being able to say to my daughter, "You see, right there is where David stood when he shot the giant" or "Those mountains right there are where Lot hid when Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed."
3) Not having to scrounge for kosher food and restaurants.
4) The weather, the beaches and the spring!
5) The holidays and climate are compatible. When the kids are singing in school about Tu B'Shvat and about spring arriving, outside it isn't covered in snow and ice like in the US. And we don't sit outside in our sukkot huddled in coats and scarves and boots with heaters! If that's not an indication that you're in the WRONG country, I don't know what is!
6) Only ONE Passover Seder. How cool is THAT?
7) Being able to say "Shabbat Shalom" to EVERYONE - the doctor, the bank clerk, the bus driver, the cashier, the garbage man - and they all, religious or otherwise, 'get it'.
8) The powerful emotion I feel during the siren and minute of silence on Memorial Day and Holocaust Remembrance Day - AWESOME! The WHOLE country comes to a SCREECHING halt at the same instant for that minute and EVERYONE stands for it no matter where they are or what they're doing.
9) My husband doesn't have to cover his kippah with a baseball cap or any other kind of hat for fear of what people will say, do or think.
10) Jewish soldiers! They're beautiful boys (and girls) - every single one of them!
11) Jewish holidays are not considered vacation days from school or work and you don't have to explain to anyone why you need Friday off (or need to leave early if you happen to work on Friday).
12) The Hebrew language and the fact that my kids will be fluent in it.
13) We can go into the food court in the mall and eat ANYWHERE.
14) Jewish education is free until high school.
15) Health insurance is mandatory and subsidized by the government - costs almost nothing compared to the US.
16) Fruits and vegetables TASTE THE WAY THEY SHOULD! (Despite being watered by sewage water....go figure!)
17) From Rehovot, you can get to Eilat in 4 hours and to the Golan in 2 1/2 hours.
18) Modest clothing is readily available everywhere.
19) Kosher for Pesach (Passover) food is available ALL Pesach - always in stock. No need to shop for Pesach (or Purim!) a month before...
20) All different walks of people are here, especially Russian, French, South American, Ethiopian, Thai, Indian - and they all speak Hebrew and/or English!
21) Shuls (synagogues) are in abundance here... different kinds everywhere!
22) The social norm that allows us to double-dip in peace without neurotic fear of contracting the West Nile virus.
23) When it rains, people celebrate like we just won the gold medal in basketball.
24) Yom Ha’atzmaut (Independence Day) - which is apparently Hebrew for “go to the park and eat a cow.”
************
On another train of thought....
DH and I both had nasty colds over the weekend. Thank G-d for DD14 who was home from school and helped with the little ones. Last night I was starting to feel a teeny bit better so DH of course saw that as a sign that the second I came in the door from work he could retire to the boudoir and crawl under the covers and "leave me to it". Fine with me. Sometimes I wish he would "leave me to it" more often but if he's going to "leave me to it" THEN I WISH HE'D "LEAVE ME TO IT" rather than lie there pretending to be dying while still finding the energy to yell at me about how DS2 isn't dressed warmly enough and how could I let DS2 run around without anypants trousers or how someone's knocked at the door which has been opened by DD6 and the said "someone" is now standing inside our house and WOULD I PLEASE GO SEE WHO IT IS AND WHAT THEY WANT - all this while I'm mid-diaper change with DS2 - and how he DAFKA isn't going to exert any effort to go see who it is and what they want because when HE is home alone with the kids, HE manages to juggle it all flawlessly so therefore he wants to see me do it NOW.
Which brings me back to the title of this post, "Will you be dying today, dear, or won't you? Please decide."
Grrrr. Men.
As with most things/people, it's incredibly easy to find all the faults and stuff to moan about - all the "warts". I'm finding it MUCH harder as time goes by to hang on to the "gems". But I don't want to put people off from coming (which - thinking long-term - only goes to make my life easier if more people like me DO come) nor do I want to be like the Biblical spies who were sent by Moses to spy out the Land of Israel before the Israelites entered it and came back with a bad report for which they were punished by G-d.
So I have set myself a project. Let's see how many GOOD points for living here I can think of. This may be an ongoing work-in-process, but here's what I came up with off the top of my head:
1) We're NOT a minority any more.....YAY! That home-y feeling....
2) Being able to say to my daughter, "You see, right there is where David stood when he shot the giant" or "Those mountains right there are where Lot hid when Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed."
3) Not having to scrounge for kosher food and restaurants.
4) The weather, the beaches and the spring!
5) The holidays and climate are compatible. When the kids are singing in school about Tu B'Shvat and about spring arriving, outside it isn't covered in snow and ice like in the US. And we don't sit outside in our sukkot huddled in coats and scarves and boots with heaters! If that's not an indication that you're in the WRONG country, I don't know what is!
6) Only ONE Passover Seder. How cool is THAT?
7) Being able to say "Shabbat Shalom" to EVERYONE - the doctor, the bank clerk, the bus driver, the cashier, the garbage man - and they all, religious or otherwise, 'get it'.
8) The powerful emotion I feel during the siren and minute of silence on Memorial Day and Holocaust Remembrance Day - AWESOME! The WHOLE country comes to a SCREECHING halt at the same instant for that minute and EVERYONE stands for it no matter where they are or what they're doing.
9) My husband doesn't have to cover his kippah with a baseball cap or any other kind of hat for fear of what people will say, do or think.
10) Jewish soldiers! They're beautiful boys (and girls) - every single one of them!
11) Jewish holidays are not considered vacation days from school or work and you don't have to explain to anyone why you need Friday off (or need to leave early if you happen to work on Friday).
12) The Hebrew language and the fact that my kids will be fluent in it.
13) We can go into the food court in the mall and eat ANYWHERE.
14) Jewish education is free until high school.
15) Health insurance is mandatory and subsidized by the government - costs almost nothing compared to the US.
16) Fruits and vegetables TASTE THE WAY THEY SHOULD! (Despite being watered by sewage water....go figure!)
17) From Rehovot, you can get to Eilat in 4 hours and to the Golan in 2 1/2 hours.
18) Modest clothing is readily available everywhere.
19) Kosher for Pesach (Passover) food is available ALL Pesach - always in stock. No need to shop for Pesach (or Purim!) a month before...
20) All different walks of people are here, especially Russian, French, South American, Ethiopian, Thai, Indian - and they all speak Hebrew and/or English!
21) Shuls (synagogues) are in abundance here... different kinds everywhere!
22) The social norm that allows us to double-dip in peace without neurotic fear of contracting the West Nile virus.
23) When it rains, people celebrate like we just won the gold medal in basketball.
24) Yom Ha’atzmaut (Independence Day) - which is apparently Hebrew for “go to the park and eat a cow.”
************
On another train of thought....
DH and I both had nasty colds over the weekend. Thank G-d for DD14 who was home from school and helped with the little ones. Last night I was starting to feel a teeny bit better so DH of course saw that as a sign that the second I came in the door from work he could retire to the boudoir and crawl under the covers and "leave me to it". Fine with me. Sometimes I wish he would "leave me to it" more often but if he's going to "leave me to it" THEN I WISH HE'D "LEAVE ME TO IT" rather than lie there pretending to be dying while still finding the energy to yell at me about how DS2 isn't dressed warmly enough and how could I let DS2 run around without any
Which brings me back to the title of this post, "Will you be dying today, dear, or won't you? Please decide."
Grrrr. Men.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Here's my Dilemma
OK. Here's my dilemma....I need help sorting it out.
I have had enough of city life. I have decided I am NOT a city person. I do NOT like living with people above and below me. There are (many) days were I do not want to see, hear or smell my neighbors. I do not want to sit out on my microscopic slab of concrete that passes for a "balcony" and inhale the exhaust fumes of the humanity roaring past our building every day. I want to be able to step outside my front door and smell the earth, watch the ants scurry, hear the wind and the birds and the grass growing. At the end of the day, I want to be able to sit out on my porch with a mug of coffee and listen to the silence. THAT is what fills me up and nourishes me. I don't want to look around me and see MORE concrete. I want LESS. I want a small patch of earth that I can dig in.
You get the picture.
So what's stopping me?
1) Money. EVERYONE would like to live on a moshav "in the country". EVERYONE would like a private house. Therefore these sorts of places have become very pricey. WAAY out of our league - even if we were to consider renting. Forget buying.
2) Husband. He's dragging his feet. He doesn't feel the urgency or the need to get out of the city like I do. He's happy with the status quo. Doesn't get it when I go on and on about the filth and noise of the city and how I wish I could shoo my kids outside for them to amuse themselves/wear themselves out without me having to accompany them to make sure they don't run into the street.
3) My job. I can now say that after 16 years in the country I FINALLY have found a job that I like, where they appreciate me and show it. I suppose if there's one job like this one in the country there might be more but I feel like with my track record for landing in jobs with the maniacs of the maniacs for bosses, I shouldn't give this one up so fast. (DH works from home so is not limited to a location for his work.)
4) Schools. Each of my three offspring are in gan or school situations that we are happy with - quality-wise and price-wise. Again, I suppose it is possible to recreate that somewhere else but where? And how? That is also NOT something to be sniffed at.
An elderly woman we know recently lost her husband and they owned a darling house in Gan Yavne (about 25 minutes from where we now live). She will be moving to Netanya and she phoned us up last night to ask us if we'd be interested in renting her house. Gan Yavne has exactly the sort of atmosphere that I'm looking for - suburbs surrounded by huge swaths of agricultural land - even if you can't see it you can sense it's there. Very few multiple-storey apartment buildings. It is QUIET which is what I'm looking for but that's about all that can be said for it. Could we afford the rent she is asking? Would DD6 have a social life there? I heard the schools there are lousy and people send their kids out of Gan Yavne for school. Is there a shul there where we'd feel comfortable? Anglos for DH? We can't afford a 2nd car so.....that means I'd have to take the car to work every day leaving DH at home with the kids and without a car AND I'd be adding a 20 minute (at least) commute onto each end of my day. Sounds like an awful lot of uprooting for a years' experiment to see if we like the area.
But I love the house and the area's atmosphere! Sigh.
So.
How long do I have to put MY wants and needs on the back burner for the good of everyone else?? Thinking of waiting to make a move like this until DD6 is finished with elementary school (5 more years) sounds like a heck of a long time and what do I do with my frustrations with our location until then?? This longing to leave the city is taking up a lot of my mental energy and is becoming all-consuming. Rehovot certainly has a lot to offer religiously, educationally, culturally, socially for us. But something is still missing for me........What place has all that AND what I'm missing?
I have had enough of city life. I have decided I am NOT a city person. I do NOT like living with people above and below me. There are (many) days were I do not want to see, hear or smell my neighbors. I do not want to sit out on my microscopic slab of concrete that passes for a "balcony" and inhale the exhaust fumes of the humanity roaring past our building every day. I want to be able to step outside my front door and smell the earth, watch the ants scurry, hear the wind and the birds and the grass growing. At the end of the day, I want to be able to sit out on my porch with a mug of coffee and listen to the silence. THAT is what fills me up and nourishes me. I don't want to look around me and see MORE concrete. I want LESS. I want a small patch of earth that I can dig in.
You get the picture.
So what's stopping me?
1) Money. EVERYONE would like to live on a moshav "in the country". EVERYONE would like a private house. Therefore these sorts of places have become very pricey. WAAY out of our league - even if we were to consider renting. Forget buying.
2) Husband. He's dragging his feet. He doesn't feel the urgency or the need to get out of the city like I do. He's happy with the status quo. Doesn't get it when I go on and on about the filth and noise of the city and how I wish I could shoo my kids outside for them to amuse themselves/wear themselves out without me having to accompany them to make sure they don't run into the street.
3) My job. I can now say that after 16 years in the country I FINALLY have found a job that I like, where they appreciate me and show it. I suppose if there's one job like this one in the country there might be more but I feel like with my track record for landing in jobs with the maniacs of the maniacs for bosses, I shouldn't give this one up so fast. (DH works from home so is not limited to a location for his work.)
4) Schools. Each of my three offspring are in gan or school situations that we are happy with - quality-wise and price-wise. Again, I suppose it is possible to recreate that somewhere else but where? And how? That is also NOT something to be sniffed at.
An elderly woman we know recently lost her husband and they owned a darling house in Gan Yavne (about 25 minutes from where we now live). She will be moving to Netanya and she phoned us up last night to ask us if we'd be interested in renting her house. Gan Yavne has exactly the sort of atmosphere that I'm looking for - suburbs surrounded by huge swaths of agricultural land - even if you can't see it you can sense it's there. Very few multiple-storey apartment buildings. It is QUIET which is what I'm looking for but that's about all that can be said for it. Could we afford the rent she is asking? Would DD6 have a social life there? I heard the schools there are lousy and people send their kids out of Gan Yavne for school. Is there a shul there where we'd feel comfortable? Anglos for DH? We can't afford a 2nd car so.....that means I'd have to take the car to work every day leaving DH at home with the kids and without a car AND I'd be adding a 20 minute (at least) commute onto each end of my day. Sounds like an awful lot of uprooting for a years' experiment to see if we like the area.
But I love the house and the area's atmosphere! Sigh.
So.
How long do I have to put MY wants and needs on the back burner for the good of everyone else?? Thinking of waiting to make a move like this until DD6 is finished with elementary school (5 more years) sounds like a heck of a long time and what do I do with my frustrations with our location until then?? This longing to leave the city is taking up a lot of my mental energy and is becoming all-consuming. Rehovot certainly has a lot to offer religiously, educationally, culturally, socially for us. But something is still missing for me........What place has all that AND what I'm missing?
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Snippets
Last night I went to 'visit' (a euphemism for helping her with whatever she needs - cooking, cleaning, shopping) my Mom. She lives about 1/2 an hour's drive from us. Sometimes I take the two younger kids but last night I left the kids with DH and went alone. Last night's project was to take these 6 LARGE (but artificial) ficus trees that she has around the apartment as.....'decoration'? 'camouflage'?.....whatever.....into her bathroom and hose them down to clean them of dust. Of which there is an abundance in this country. I should know. I have a well-developed allergy to the stuff which was 'born' after I moved here. After that we ate a modest dinner followed by HOMEMADE toffee ice cream. YUM! We then retired to the drawingroom computer where I downloaded Google Earth for her and we spent a nice hour flying around the world looking at locations and addresses meaningful to us without even having to leave our chairs. That program is addicting!
When I left Mom's last night it was raining the whole way home and from the looks of it it rained pretty much all night although by this morning the sun was out and shining coldly and brightly making all the raindrop diamonds on the cars, leaves, etc. twinkle blindingly. Hurrah for rain! Thank you G-d! We sure need it.
Late last night I saw a post on our local email message board that someone was advertising a 5-room (i.e. 4 bedroom) apartment for sale not far from us. DH went to look at it today but a) out of our price range (figures) and b) only 7 meters bigger than the 3 bedroom apt. we have now. Also located in not such a quiet location and QUIET is what I need right now so......not worth pursuing.
My DD14 is coming home from boarding school for the weekend today. Her school is only 20 minutes south of where we live which is really convenient. She has a couple of appointments - dentist, etc. - tonight so I will be tied up this evening playing chauffeur.
Starting this week and continuing through the summer, we actually have a stream - or what amounts to a stream for us - of friends and family coming to Israel which gives me something to look forward to:
1) My step-mom's son and his wife are coming this week. The wife is coming because the company she works for is based in Israel a few blocks from where I work, actually, and she's coming on business. Her husband is along for the ride and will be the one with time on his hands and we have to see how much time we have to play tour guide and also how much time he actually has and what he wants to accomplish/see while he's here.
2) Next month my good friend A from NJ is coming with her husband and newly adopted 4- year-old daughter from Ethiopia. I stayed with them on my recent trip to the US in October so it hasn't been THAT long since I saw them but still nice they're coming. They'll be staying in Rehovot where we live since her grandmother is in the old age home here and her uncle and cousins live here too.
3) Also at the end of February, I have a good friend from South Africa who I met online who is making aliyah with her family of 5. Can't wait to meet them in person finally!
4) And finally, an old roommate of mine from the year I lived in NY when I was 18 is coming with her three teenage boys for 2 months this summer! I also met up with her in NJ in October but it will be great if we can actually meet up here and hang.
So what to ask all these friends from the US to bring me?? Hmmm. The first thing that springs to mind is...drum roll.....Baco Bits. I've never seen them here. We all like them on baked potatoes with sour cream. The only way to eat a baked potato, if you ask me. And books. O, do I ever miss being able to browse for hours in a nice, huge bookstore like Borders Books or Barnes and Noble! I can order stuff online, of course, but it's not the same as walking in and being able to handle the books, peruse, skip read and letting the 'spirit' direct one to the right book. When ordering online, you have to have a specific title in mind OR base your decision on the posted reviews of the books in a subject category.
Ever heard of a fashion fast? Where you don't buy a single, solitary item of clothing (except for a whole year in the interests of (mainly) one's pocketbook? I saw a blurb about this on TV last week and have been mulling over the idea. I think it would be a good exercise for me since I ADORE clothes shopping and even though most of what I buy is 2nd hand and costs next to nothing I still bring home more than one person ever needs. But do I have the will power? THAT is the question.
I am so bored at work it's not even funny. It's exhausting having to keep inventing things to make myself look busy and to pass the time. I've told my boss three times that I'm free and would love if someone would give me something to do. I don't feel I can tell her yet again. They might start to wonder if they really need me.
Yesterday I started feeling like I was getting sick again - scratchy throat. I took a dose of oregano oil this morning in the hopes those fumes will chase whatever I'm getting away. And I'm doctoring myself at work with loads of tea and honey. I CAN'T GET SICK AGAIN! Too much important stuff happening next week....
When I left Mom's last night it was raining the whole way home and from the looks of it it rained pretty much all night although by this morning the sun was out and shining coldly and brightly making all the raindrop diamonds on the cars, leaves, etc. twinkle blindingly. Hurrah for rain! Thank you G-d! We sure need it.
Late last night I saw a post on our local email message board that someone was advertising a 5-room (i.e. 4 bedroom) apartment for sale not far from us. DH went to look at it today but a) out of our price range (figures) and b) only 7 meters bigger than the 3 bedroom apt. we have now. Also located in not such a quiet location and QUIET is what I need right now so......not worth pursuing.
My DD14 is coming home from boarding school for the weekend today. Her school is only 20 minutes south of where we live which is really convenient. She has a couple of appointments - dentist, etc. - tonight so I will be tied up this evening playing chauffeur.
Starting this week and continuing through the summer, we actually have a stream - or what amounts to a stream for us - of friends and family coming to Israel which gives me something to look forward to:
1) My step-mom's son and his wife are coming this week. The wife is coming because the company she works for is based in Israel a few blocks from where I work, actually, and she's coming on business. Her husband is along for the ride and will be the one with time on his hands and we have to see how much time we have to play tour guide and also how much time he actually has and what he wants to accomplish/see while he's here.
2) Next month my good friend A from NJ is coming with her husband and newly adopted 4- year-old daughter from Ethiopia. I stayed with them on my recent trip to the US in October so it hasn't been THAT long since I saw them but still nice they're coming. They'll be staying in Rehovot where we live since her grandmother is in the old age home here and her uncle and cousins live here too.
3) Also at the end of February, I have a good friend from South Africa who I met online who is making aliyah with her family of 5. Can't wait to meet them in person finally!
4) And finally, an old roommate of mine from the year I lived in NY when I was 18 is coming with her three teenage boys for 2 months this summer! I also met up with her in NJ in October but it will be great if we can actually meet up here and hang.
So what to ask all these friends from the US to bring me?? Hmmm. The first thing that springs to mind is...drum roll.....Baco Bits. I've never seen them here. We all like them on baked potatoes with sour cream. The only way to eat a baked potato, if you ask me. And books. O, do I ever miss being able to browse for hours in a nice, huge bookstore like Borders Books or Barnes and Noble! I can order stuff online, of course, but it's not the same as walking in and being able to handle the books, peruse, skip read and letting the 'spirit' direct one to the right book. When ordering online, you have to have a specific title in mind OR base your decision on the posted reviews of the books in a subject category.
Ever heard of a fashion fast? Where you don't buy a single, solitary item of clothing (except for a whole year in the interests of (mainly) one's pocketbook? I saw a blurb about this on TV last week and have been mulling over the idea. I think it would be a good exercise for me since I ADORE clothes shopping and even though most of what I buy is 2nd hand and costs next to nothing I still bring home more than one person ever needs. But do I have the will power? THAT is the question.
I am so bored at work it's not even funny. It's exhausting having to keep inventing things to make myself look busy and to pass the time. I've told my boss three times that I'm free and would love if someone would give me something to do. I don't feel I can tell her yet again. They might start to wonder if they really need me.
Yesterday I started feeling like I was getting sick again - scratchy throat. I took a dose of oregano oil this morning in the hopes those fumes will chase whatever I'm getting away. And I'm doctoring myself at work with loads of tea and honey. I CAN'T GET SICK AGAIN! Too much important stuff happening next week....
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Day 5,930......and my first day of blogging
Here I sit. Little ol' me. Bored out of my gourd at work. So. What does one do at work to look busy and justify receiving a salary? They blog, of course. (And I am shocked at myself that I've even gotten as far at setting up this blog thingy as actually POSTING!)
So. A teeny bit about me....
I'm 38, American, married to DH57 (2nd marriage for both of us), with three kids (DD14 from first marriage, DD6-going-on-36 and DS-almost-2 - both from this marriage). I grew up in Northern California (for which I pine daily) and I am a convert to Judaism (ditto Mom and brother). My one brother and I were homeschooled by our mother up until 12th grade at which point my parents had divorced and we moved from Northern CA to Pittsburgh, PA where I attended the local Lubavitch girl's high school and did very well. I have been vegetarian since about the age of 13 or 14 when we kashered our kitchen and decided keeping two sets of dishes for the few times a year we ate meat just wasn't worth the hassle. Finished high school and lived in Manhattan for a year while working p/t and attending a school of religious studies for newly religious women. Returned after the year to Pittsburgh and worked for the next three years while deciding what to do with myself. Then one bright day I awoke with the following brainwave of an idea: "MAKE ALIYAH!" (The word "aliyah" literally means "going up" because Israel is considered to be on a higher spiritual level for Jews than anywhere else. "Aliyah" is used to mean "emigration to Israel".)
That's the nutshell within a nutshell version.
And hey presto...here I find myself 16 years later wondering: "HOW? WHY?"
So this is where the title of my post comes in. I've lived here 16 years + 3 months or in other words.....5,930 days which, when you put it like that doesn't sound all that much. But it sure FEELS like an eternity.
Don't get me wrong. I do have good days where being here makes all the sense in the world and the "rightness" of it is blinding. But I spend a lot more days lately feeling like I have two identities, split personality disorder even - there's the THAT me and the THIS me - and feeling very very torn between the life I left and this one. Wanting the best of both worlds. And it's exhausting.
I'm not promising terribly exciting posts. Most will, in fact, probably be quite ordinary and mundane about my day to day life - the ups and downs. I am, however, hoping that this blog experiment will be an outlet for my frustrations, a way to keep busy, pass the time. Maybe I will even gain some insights and/or meet some new friends along the way?
Here goes.....
So. A teeny bit about me....
I'm 38, American, married to DH57 (2nd marriage for both of us), with three kids (DD14 from first marriage, DD6-going-on-36 and DS-almost-2 - both from this marriage). I grew up in Northern California (for which I pine daily) and I am a convert to Judaism (ditto Mom and brother). My one brother and I were homeschooled by our mother up until 12th grade at which point my parents had divorced and we moved from Northern CA to Pittsburgh, PA where I attended the local Lubavitch girl's high school and did very well. I have been vegetarian since about the age of 13 or 14 when we kashered our kitchen and decided keeping two sets of dishes for the few times a year we ate meat just wasn't worth the hassle. Finished high school and lived in Manhattan for a year while working p/t and attending a school of religious studies for newly religious women. Returned after the year to Pittsburgh and worked for the next three years while deciding what to do with myself. Then one bright day I awoke with the following brainwave of an idea: "MAKE ALIYAH!" (The word "aliyah" literally means "going up" because Israel is considered to be on a higher spiritual level for Jews than anywhere else. "Aliyah" is used to mean "emigration to Israel".)
That's the nutshell within a nutshell version.
And hey presto...here I find myself 16 years later wondering: "HOW? WHY?"
So this is where the title of my post comes in. I've lived here 16 years + 3 months or in other words.....5,930 days which, when you put it like that doesn't sound all that much. But it sure FEELS like an eternity.
Don't get me wrong. I do have good days where being here makes all the sense in the world and the "rightness" of it is blinding. But I spend a lot more days lately feeling like I have two identities, split personality disorder even - there's the THAT me and the THIS me - and feeling very very torn between the life I left and this one. Wanting the best of both worlds. And it's exhausting.
I'm not promising terribly exciting posts. Most will, in fact, probably be quite ordinary and mundane about my day to day life - the ups and downs. I am, however, hoping that this blog experiment will be an outlet for my frustrations, a way to keep busy, pass the time. Maybe I will even gain some insights and/or meet some new friends along the way?
Here goes.....
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